Now For Something Completely Different – David Brown

So this is a draft for the new advert I’m going for next…

Fancy a black belt? Wanna be the talk of your friendship group when you tell ’em: ‘hey look, I can now kick arse?’

Of course you do …

Want to train in complete safety and never get hurt? Then great. We offer no contact martial arts classes … train for that black belt now, without ever getting blood on your uniform.

What about discipline? You need it right?

Come to us, your parents are shit at providing it, let us do their job.

Friends? You need friends? Well come to us, meet new people and, of course, our no contact classes mean that your potential soul mate ain’t gonna get punched in the face!

Nervous? Apprehensive? New people make you uncomfortable? Don’t worry, with our patented ‘SNOWFLAKE-ARAMA’ technology glasses you’ll be able to take part in our classes from the comfort of your own home merely by plugging into your computer.

What about fitness? You wanna get fit right? Okay, well we’ll get you fit. Our 45 minute class comprises 10 mins, bowing to a flag belonging to a country beginning with the same letter as Korea (you see what I did there) good for stretching the back. Followed by 15 mins on the spot warm up routines. Another 10 minutes free sparring, by free we mean you’re free to actually not make contact with anyone… you know what, just come along to our classes – you’ll love ’em.

Stranger danger concern you? Well me too. Mind you Uncle Fred in the corner, there’s a few stories circulating about him. And he’s no stranger – am I being too subtle?

Okay then, in celebration of this subtlety we’d offering every new student who signs with us, a free uniform, free insurance, a bag, a ball, shares in Aston Martin, a star named after you, false aspirations, delusional targets and an afternoon with Uncle Fred.

Confidence low, self esteem deflated? Let us help. Doesn’t matter that your dad’s standing there repeatedly telling you that you’re not very confident. We’ll give you what he is failing to provide!

Got a 3 year old champing at the bit? Constantly jumping in their ball pool making chop-soky, kung fu movie sounds. well bring ’em down! In fact our young-buck-ninja-samurai-future-black-belt-kindergarden-plan is just what he needs. His lack of fine motor skills are well suited to our non contact school and by the time he’s five, he’ll have a shiny new black belt!

Plus! Launching this February our new: feotal-jitsu! That’s right, the moment your imminent offspring starts kicking in the womb, we’ll teach it how to kick with purpose, focus and discipline.

So what are you waiting for we have everything you could possibly want from your martial arts journey and what our bank balance needs …

… and if you’re not too scared I’m happy for you to share the bejeebers out of this:)

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