Texan Bar Etiquette, Part I – Clint Overland

After 26 years of dealing with drunks, drug addicts, Tusk Hogs (power drinkers who function at a higher level of intoxication and enjoy violence), and almost every other type of human refuse, I want to share with you ten simple things not to do in order to keep you as safe as you can be when confronted with a situation in a bar or night club. Is this a guarantee that you will be safe? No but it damn sure will not hurt.

 

  1. Don’t let your alligator mouth overload your jaybird ass. In other words, your ego will be the main impediment to your safety when dealing with a drunk or violent person in a bar. Smart ass comments are best saved for a time after you are safe and away from the threat. I have heard it said that you should never assume anything about a situation. I am calling bullshit on that. Always assume that this can go from a small ego, dick size contest to a straight out life and death scenario with the wrong thing being said at the wrong time.  Your safety is at stake. Remember that it’s not always what you say that gets your teeth and head knocked in, it’s in the tone and the delivery that people hear more so than words. Being sarcastic has led more people to the joys of broken noses than any other thing I have seen.

 

  1. I’ve overheard drunks time and time again telling each other what they’re going to do when it’s time to get down to business.  DO NOT DO THIS!!! You have just created a group of witnesses for any legal problems that may arise from the situation. If you tell another human being that you’re going to kill, injure, or hurt them in any way, you have just stepped on your own dick or your own tits ladies. It is no longer a self-defense issue, but one of consensual combat and disorderly conduct at the least. One episode I was a witness to involved ass hat 1 threatening to kill ass hat 2 if he ever saw him again. This was in front of 30 people. Ass hat 2 left and waited outside with a gun and later shot ass hat 1 when he went to his car. The police interviewed 12 or 13 of us and the DA didn’t prosecute due to the threat having been made earlier.

      That does not mean that you shouldn’t give warning when you feel that you are in danger, it means don’t brag or boast about what you are going to do.

 

  1.            For fucks sake, don’t tell someone who you are. They don’t care! Don’t warn them about the dangers of dealing with you. If things go south let it be a surprise. I have heard people, mostly men, but sometimes women, tell me, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM.” (My two standard replies are “No, don’t you?” and “Yea, my next victim!”) You are trying to use social pressure, fear, and intimidation as an ego/threat boost. 9 times out of 10 this will get you punched in the mouth quicker than a straight insult. You are trying to show that you are someone special, you are not. What you have done is throw down a challenge and an insult to the other person. “I am better than you and you need to bow down to that fact and accept your place as beneath me on the social hierarchy. “  That, my friend, is a great way to learn the joy of shitting your teeth out the next morning.

               

One other thing, don’t go around telling people who your daddy or husband is unless they are capable of backing up your statements. One of my pet peeves as a bouncer is when individuals throw that kind of statement into my face. If your father, husband, grandpa or whatever, is a real heavy hitter then you won’t need to let others know about it. It will be shared for you without you making a fool of yourself.

 

  1.            Don’t draw attention to yourself. Go in, have a good time, don’t be an idiot. Shouting, whistling, and raising hell are a great way to draw attention to yourself, not only from the bouncers/security staff, but also of the Great White sharks swimming in the waters with you. Despite what you believe (and most of that is wrong by the way), there are those that are looking forward to hurting you. Acting up and drawing attention to yourself is a great way to chum the waters. I watched one man take a beer bottle across his eye (he lost it) because he wouldn’t stop yelling at the band. The man in front of him finally had enough of it, turned around and smashed a bottle into his face, rupturing his eye. It happened without warning, but the signs were all there if you were aware enough to read them. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to have a good time and enjoy life without being the center of attention for others to enjoy.

 

  1. I really would like to talk to you ladies who are reading this. You are ultimately responsible for your own safety. Just because you live a certain way during the day, do not mistake that the same rules apply to a bar or nightclub. You are swimming with sharks every time you go out for a good time. There is a certain segment of society that only looks at you as if you are prey and they do not care about you or your so called rights as a person. 

 

I have been amazed over and over again at the way some women choose to act. Yes you can dress any way you want to, yes you can choose to act like a drunken idiot for however many times you can get away with it.  I am not going to argue that point but when you have to reap the rewards of your actions do not bitch about it. And no I am not talking about rape. I am talking about you getting your ass handed to you for crossing the line with another woman a lot meaner and tougher than you are. I watched a middle class woman think it would be great to give a guy she didn’t know a lap dance right in front of his wife. The wife worked as a lineman for a power company climbing electric poles all day every day doing hard labor. The wannabe dancer was a clerk in a retail jewelry store who had never been in a real fight her entire life. By the time I and the rest of the staff got there, roughly 5 seconds, dancer girl had her teeth knocked out, eye socket broke and a coffee mug diameter size chunk of hair and scalp pulled out. You think 5 seconds is not a long time try being on the receiving end of an educational beat down.

 

Your actions will lead to certain results, maybe not the 1st time or the 100th time but there will be a cost. In addition, please stop acting like a stripper, save that for the bedroom or go get a job working the pole somewhere. I’m sorry if you need to find attention from a large group of people and think that is the way to do it. All you are doing is making a fool of yourself and like lesson number 4 you are drawing that attention from possibly the wrong crowd. Trust me, if we wanted to see that we would be at a strip club watching real strippers! It also cuts down on the attention that the real creepy guys want to pay you.  Also stop being a drunken cunt please. You’re at the bar as a customer and yes they are trying to bring you what you ordered. You being a snotty demanding bitch not only pisses off you server (notice I did not say servant or slave) but will go nothing but worse service or your drink being stirred with a dick, or finger that’s been up someone’s asshole.

 Part II 

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