Masculinity, Emotions and Violence – Sharmi Gowri-Krisyk

Have any of you heard the saying “Boys will be boys”? As a parent, I have been trying my best to guide my son (Dino-Lover, 10) from a very young age to always use an empathic, compassionate and respectful approach whilst dealing with others. No matter what. Even if it is just “for fun”. To try his best to be thoughtful of others and be mindful of the emotional and physical boundaries of others.

As a result, he does never hit back physically or put anyone down emotionally – including towards children who can behave in an unempathic or insensitive manner at times. On the other hand, this has often resulted him in being perceived as weak. There are negative consequences he faces as a result of this, e.g. children calling him “girl”,”baby” or “wimp”.

That often makes me reflect on this issue is not the behaviour of these children but what I hear the adults say in the aforementioned circumstances, e.g. “Boys will be boys”. I hear this over and over again. Is it even healthy and appropriate to normalise aggressive or inconsiderate behaviour? What messages are we sending to children? To the next generation of adults?

My son recently told me that there was a particular cartoon (movie name excluded) where one of the cartoon characters cries and then says to himself: “Real men don’t cry” and then stops crying. My son concluded: “Even children are brain-washed, through the cartoons they watch, to believe that expressing emotions is inappropriate for boys and men”

This makes me wonder if violence starts in childhood itself, especially the violence towards women. “For many young people, male aggression is expected and normalised, there is constant pressure among boys to behave in sexually aggressive ways, girls are routinely objectified, there is a sexual double standard, and girls are pressured to accommodate male ‘needs’ and desires,” says Dr Michael Flood, Senior Lecturer in Sociology at Wollongong University.

So why are ingrained community attitudes so important in male-on-female aggression? “Attitudes are crucial to shaping wider social norms and cultures,” says Dr Flood.

“Boys are taught in subtle ways to push past girls’ resistance, that women are good for only one thing. This is reinforced by the media and by pornography, which is easily accessible to young people, and treats sexuality as violent and violence as sexy.”

It is tragic that our society has unfair expectations towards males and labels them as unable to feel or connect to the same degree that females can. Empirical evidence show that there is not much of a difference between boys’ and girls’ capacity for empathy during their period of infancy (Suttie, 2015). However, according to neuroscientists the reason for the empathic skills of females being far advanced than males is not because of any differences in their ability but simply a result of environmental factors; for instance, findings show that some of these environmental factors are that females are being allowed to express their emotions and to identify and understand both their own and others’ emotions (Eliot, 2010).

This indicates how society shapes males into human beings that struggle to be authentic with both themselves and with others. According to the study by University professor Niobe Way (2013) teenage boys began to “internalize society’s masculine norms by equating close friendships with being gay, a girl, or immature.” It was also noted by her that boys’ levels of loneliness and depression began to increase during this time.  

We live in a culture of violence that promotes male aggression such as through movies, music videos, video games, toys, lyrics (Miedzian, 2002)  – and even recreational activities like sports involve subtle level of violence. “It is our culture that distorts both boys’ and girls’ natural capacity for empathy and emotionally intimate friendships. This is not a boy crisis but a human crisis of connection” (Way, 2013) – and one that negatively impacts our families, our schools, our communities, and our political and economic institutions. We, as a society has the responsibility to ensure that, whether boys or girls, we influence children in a positive way; having a positive impact on the socio-emotional development of the next generation.  Just because the majority do something, it doesn’t make it right. We need to be authentic and not blindly follow the crowd by falling into conformity. Instead, we could be critical thinkers with a vision that focuses on making a difference. Towards a better world; towards compassion, respect, kindness, peace and integrity.

Copyright © 2015 by Sharmi Gowri-Krisyk & Stepping Stones Psychology. All Rights Reserved

REFERENCE

  • Chu, J. (2014). When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity. New York: NYU Press
  • Eliot, L. (2010). Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – And What We Can Do About It. Great Britain: Oneworld Publications.
  • Flood, M. (2015, February 15). Boys will be boys: does violence against women start in childhood? Retrieved from http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/boys-will-be-boys-does-violence-against-women-start-in-childhood/story-fnet08ui-1227237623130
  • Miedzian, M. (Ed.). (2002). Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence . New York:  Lantern Books.
  • Suttie, J. (2015, June 10). Is Morality Based on Emotions or Reason? Retrieved from

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy

  • Way, N. (2013). Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection.  U.S.A: Harvard University Press.
  • Zakrzewski, V. (2014, December 1). Debunking the Myths about Boys and Emotions. Retrieved from http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/debunking_myths_boys_emotions

 

Becoming A Contact Professional – Tim Boehlert

I have been doing Hospital Campus security for 7 years. When I signed on, I immediately undertook a journey into darkness. I found out within a year that I was going to need all the help I could find elsewhere. To that end, I am not a professional Martial Artist in the strictest sense. I learn from the traditional and modern martial arts. I pick and choose those pieces that I know I can use, and I know that I can justify and defend in a court of law. I train and educate myself as too many have excuses not to do so.

For the last 6 years I have sought out a different type of education and a group of professionals that ‘have-been-there-and-done-that’ – a small group of talented trainers, educators, teachers. Not everyone that deals with violence in our profession can articulate or try to explain the what, why, how things. I trust ALL of the people in CRGI for that, as well as some other like-minded professionals from other ares of expertise – LEO, Corrections, Military trainers.

In this group I totally support and endorse Marc MacYoung, Rory Miller, Peyton Quinn. They were my first clue as to what was out there, and how I was going to deal with it successfully.

What I can bring to the table is dealing with violence in a health-care setting. The way I see it, I deal with the same people that Rory did during his career as a Corrections Officer, but from a different set of guidelines – no in-house training, no support, no weapons, no first-strike capabilities, no striking/kicking/chokes etc., no backup, no staff support most of the time, no real outline of rules, lots of cameras and lots of monday-morning-quarterbacking AFTER the fact. In short, not a job anyone in their right-mind would take knowing all of these limitations going in. Add to that starting out at 52 years old. Getting the picture now?

So, I can share a lot of stories and examples of things that I have experienced dealing with those people that live alternate lifestyles – drugs, alcohol, abuse etc. Dealing with the physical may be the easiest aspect of this type of job, dealing with the verbal aspect IS one of the hardest, yet most rewarding aspects.

Marc MacYoung once told me that I’d already shown him enough ability with the physical aspects of the job, and he recommended getting more training on the verbal aspect – great advice. To that end, and at the time he and Rory were pairing up on a new concept – Conflict Communications is what they were going to call it. It was going to be a traveling seminar road-show, maybe a book, maybe a DVD. CRGI is one end-result of those years of collaboration by two of the BEST minds in the business of violence.

I own almost every book that Marc has produced, but not too many of his DVD’s – most of his early work was only accessible via VHS tapes. At first, reading Marc’s output was challenging. Not because it was difficult to read, but it WAS difficult to read from a ‘normal’ perspective. I had no real introduction to violence previous to taking this job. I’d led a fairly safe life – due in part to being white, middle-class, and non-violent as my norm. We’ve all seen a lot of violence, particularly of late, but in our previous adult years and teenage high-school years as well. What we were particularly not aware of though was REAL violence. The kind of violence that the mere mention of gives us concern. We don’t want to hear about it, know about, and especially see it or experience it.

Marc started to open that dark cellar door for me. SO, reading his stuff WAS difficult. Not knowing him personally, and reading how cavalier some of his thoughts were WAS disturbing to me. Kind of like sidling up next to a group of bikers – you WANT to hear some of it, but hope they won’t notice you’re eaves-dropping in on them. That’s what my first couple of Marc’s books felt like. “What kind of guy DOES this shit, and then writes about it? How’d he get away with THAT?” Well, that’s how it started. Marc admittedly came from a rough up-bringing, turned his life around, and then chose to educate others that could appreciate, learn from, and stay safe based on his lessons. Thank you Marc.

Rory I found probably through Marc, or maybe Loren Christensen – I cant recall specifically. I am immediately drawn to Rory because of what he does or did. He was working with the safe ‘clientele’ that I was, with the main exception being that he was in a prison setting. Without hesitation, I recommend him to all LEO, or Security professionals because his experience is directly related to what I do. Marc’s is as well, just form a different perspective. Rory was writing a blog at the time I ‘found’ him. Large parts of that blog became the first e-books that I purchased – Chiron Training. After reading the very first volume I was hooked. Here was I guy that I totally ‘got.’ I can’t tell you why in so many words, but he ‘spoke to me.’

In one of his blog/e-book entries Rory describes a ‘typical’ day on his unit. He was asked to respond to an inmate that was acting out in his holding cell. Rory headed a CERT team, and his job was to move this individual after subduing him using whatever level of force was necessary. The inmate had already made preparations for the soon-to-happen assault by unusual means. Rory’s team was prepped, kept just out of sight while he chose to offer an alternate solution before breaching the cell. In a moment of genius (and Rory really is a very deep thinker) he chose to keep the team out of sight, but ready to perform a cell extraction by overwhelming force. He pulled up a folding chair about 6 feet from the cell door, and simply sat down, crossed his arms, and waited… NOW, go find that story and learn from it what I learned. What happens next is sure to change your world like it did mine – if it doesn’t, your either in the wrong job, or you already possessed that knowledge and foresight, which frankly I find hard to believe. Thank you Rory.

Peyton Quinn – another of the unknowns. He is a character every bit as much as Marc is. THEY are two of the originators of what this group has been assembled because of. Violence. I have known Peyton for about as long, and did find him through my connection with Marc. Another book. Suffice it to say that Peyton is as unique as any of these commanders of violence. Peyton is also a Martial Artist, a rogue of a man with a huge heart, and some really intense depth of knowledge as well. He’s an educator, a writer, and he knows his stuff as well. He’s also willing to pass this stuff on. About four years ago I had the pleasure of working on a few projects with Peyton. Specifically a book that he was writing at the time about Musashi’s Five Rings. Peyton asked me to read it, and help him out with some editing, which I did out of respect, friendship, and admiration. Thank you Peyton.

There are many others here that have helped me along the way, and I am very thankful for all of those contributors as well. What I do is not unique, but you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone talking about let alone teaching what it takes to get out unscathed. I can only say that in 7 years, I have been assaulted more, hospitalized more, hurt more both physically and verbally, than in my entire previous life. Without the support of these proponents and educators, without their output, their advice, their willingness to share the ugly, I wouldn’t be writing anything remotely like this at all. I’d either have quit a long time back, been injured and beyond repair OR worse. It’s not an easy job, not just anyone can do it either – even if you are physically able to – and most of the young ones are that at least, it takes a LOT of maturity, it takes a lot of drive, it takes a lot of deflective capability to do this job to serve your community, and your fellow man. You have to do this job because you care, not because it pays well – it’s not even worth it for that alone. I do it to make a difference, to feel better as a human being, and because someone has to deal with people in crisis, period.

If you’re up to it, do the research UP FRONT. If you can get through several of the steps necessary to educate yourself, and still thin positively about it, MAYBE you’re the right person. MAYBE.

Conflict Resolution in Families – Vivek Patel

The way we communicate with our children, both in good times and difficult times, sets up a pattern that will follow them most of their lives. So it is in our best interest to communicate with them and deal with conflict in the most effective way possible. Effective both in how we resolve the conflict in the moment, as well as the long term effects that we are creating.

The environment that a child is immersed in as they grow and develop profoundly affects the way they see the world. It informs them about what their place in society is, and how they deserve to be treated by others.

When a moment of conflict occurs between you and your child it can be a source of pain, stress and distancing between the two of you. Or it can be an opportunity for teaching, growth and actually bringing you closer together.

#1 – Re-defining the Role of the Parent

The way it goes is largely dependent upon the perception you have of your role as a parent. It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stresses of life and forget we are responsible for creating a foundation for our children to be successful and happy as they grow into adults.

Controlling and modifying their behaviour is not the main goal in parenting. That is an old school idea that was created when children were supposed to be “seen and not heard”. Kids were property; they were not generally seen as precious little humans. Let alone brilliant spiritual beings.

This created an authoritative model of parenting where the kids had to obey the parent, be quiet, act respectful and not get in the way. They certainly didn’t have an equal voice in the family.

Re-defining the role of the parent as a guide, an educator, a foundation builder and a source of inspiration brings a whole new view to the family dynamic and by extension on how to deal with conflicts.

If You Don’t Control Them, They’ll Control You

The common view on how to deal with an argument is that as the parent you have to win this argument or at least not allow your child to control you.

If they win the argument, or if you soften your position and allow them to dominate then they will get the idea that they can control you anytime they want. Be firm, be consistent and make sure they know who is in charge.

I profoundly disagree with this perspective.

Your Family Is a Community

The way we structure family should be after our ideal concept of community.

Do you feel like you have a concept of an ideal community?

Well I highly advise it. It is something worth thinking about because it forces you to create a philosophy of how you want to live with yourself and other people. If you can work at creating the conditions in your family that match the concept of your ideal community then you will soon find amazing transformation happening in your home.

You will find a greater joy and harmony in your family than you ever imagined.

And it won’t be an accident, it won’t be because your individual personalities just happened to get along. It will be because of the work you and your family do in order to coexist in harmony and in the upliftment of each other.

Conflict Resolution Is Vital To Community

Part of any really solid community is their ability to deal with conflict.

Conflict, disagreement and arguments can lead to growth or it can lead to destruction.

When two people have a disagreement, the way they deal with that disagreement makes a huge difference in their relationship. It also affects everyone else in the community.

Even when we have a disagreement about something as small as doing dishes or the arrangement of furniture in your bedroom or picking up your socks from the floor, it’s not really about those things.

There are always deeper levels to each issue.

There are always things under the surface that make situations difficult.

If we pay attention to them and work with them intelligently,

they can also make situations glorious!

Looking Beneath the Surface

The thing is how much attention do we pay to what is going on beneath the surface of things?

This is really where we must focus our attention if we want to learn to deal with conflicts with our kids and in our families effectively.

It may not be natural for us to always be looking under the surface when we are dealing with people. And yet this is a vital skill to develop. For when we are dealing with the surface we can only have an effect upon the surface. But if we look to the core, we can affect the core.

And this is one of the key elements in effective and long-lasting conflict resolution.

To get at the core of things.

If we keep practicing looking deeper we can make it a habit.

When this happens you will no longer be instantly affected by impending conflict with your kids. You will see the issues that are brewing and address them with love. This will often stop a conflict before it has time to begin.

#2 – Laying a Foundation

One of the things I am suggesting is to create an environment conducive to peaceful conflict resolution from the beginning. This will cause you to have minimal conflict in your family, and be prepared to deal with it well when it does occur. This work is done before any arguments even happen.

In fact it is often the work you do together between any moments of conflict that sets up how things go when conflict does arise. I would call this laying down a foundation.

A Communication Foundation

A Relational Foundation

A Practical Foundation

Once these different foundations are laid, when a difficult time does come around there is something in place to deal with it, to buffer it.

Create a Love Buffer

In chemistry a buffer is a solution that resists change when an acid is poured into it. If you pour hydrochloric acid into water it becomes very acidic. If you pour hydrochloric acid into a buffer solution the buffer absorbs the acid, not allowing it to make the water acidic. When the acid is poured in, it does have an immediate effect, but the buffer soon absorbs it and the long term effect is very small.

Creating a buffer in your family is much the same thing. If you have a consistent habit of treating each other well, building trust, listening and respecting each other and if your kids feel real confidence in you then you have created a Buffer. When  the acid of conflict is poured into the solution of your family, this buffer of love you have will absorb it and it will have very little long term effect.

This means that you cannot take any moment for granted because every interaction you have is affecting how you will deal with difficult situations in the future. Paying deep attention becomes standard operating procedure.

#3 – Building Trust

So far we have looked at re-defining the role of the parent. Seeing conflict as an opportunity for learning, growth and the enhancement of your relationship with your kid.

We have looked at creating an atmosphere of respect, communication, trust and love with each other in your normal interactions, day to day. Setting a foundation for dealing with conflict when it does occur.

Another aspect of dealing with conflict in the family is building trust. I know I mentioned it earlier as part of creating the foundation, but it’s so important that it needs its own section.

Believing in the good intentions of the other makes a huge difference to how open we are to resolving a conflict. Most kids and teenagers that I know do not inherently trust their parents to have good intentions. It takes a lot of work to make this a reality.

Traditional Parenting Does Not Inspire Trust From Our Kids

This should not come as a surprise to you if you think about it at all. If you spend a lot of time with somebody and you feel that there is a good chance they will block your desires or that they will try to control your decisions, your actions and your freedom, it is hard to really trust their intentions.

So when faced with this person telling you they want to resolve the conflict

it’s very likely the average teenager will instead think:

“They want to talk to me so they can get their way.”

“They want to talk to me so that I will see that I’m wrong.”

“They want to talk to me so that they can express their disapproval.”

or on the more extreme end

“They want to give me a consequence or punishment.”

But regardless of how extreme or how gentle is the control, the control is the point. The kid who experiences this, and most of us went through that ourselves, loses a certain trust in their parents intentions. And to be honest this lack of trust isn’t completely unfounded.

Becoming Trustable Is a Priority

So one of the major pieces of work we have to do is to live our lives in such a way that we are very trustable to our kids. We want to create a condition so that when we say we want to resolve a conflict their response is,

“Oh that means I’m going to be okay.”

We want them to feel that when you say you’re going to resolve a conflict that they know they will feel uplifted by that experience, that they can trust you to take their needs into account being as important, if not more important than your own.

How different this is from the traditional expression of conflict in the family. If they can trust you with these things they can relax into the process of conflict resolution. They can relax in the process of developing relationship with you. They can relax even into their own negative feelings so that they don’t explode, but have a healthy and safe place to be expressed.

When we can acknowledge and feel safe with our feelings that’s when we can really get into the heart of conflict.

Create An Atmosphere Of Trust

It is up to the parents to create that atmosphere of trust for their kids.Our kids naturally want to trust us and they want to be trustable. It’s us that have learned manipulation as survival method over the years.

Then we pass that on to our kids…

“Thank you very much for the gift mom and dad. I appreciate it!”

Let Go of Manipulation and Control

The only way not to pass along the idea of manipulation to our kids is to not manipulate our kids. That doesn’t sound like a very complicated concept and yet you would think I was speaking a foreign language a lot of the time when I share this idea with other people.

It seems really insane to people to share responsibility, to share authority, to share ownership and to share respect with their kids. Sharing respect means it has to be earned (by you) not expected.

Expected respect is no respect at all.

How Trustable Can You Be?

So that’s number 3 – being trustable. Proving that you’re trustable. Demonstrating that you are trustable over and over and over. Demonstrate it in the most difficult of situations and the most tense moments.

When your own emotions are boiling over, ready to explode can you demonstrate how trustable you are to your child? Can you rise above the very things that are trying to control you and have been all your life? They were implanted into you when you were a child and now the wounds of your own childhood are inhibiting you from being open, free and trusting with your own child.

Parenting is a Hero’s Journey

It is like a hero’s journey. Honestly parenting is a hero’s journey because we have to overcome all of our history to be fully present, accepting, open and loving with our children now.

#4 – Relational Well-Being

We have been talking about being trustable. We will now look at the wider implications of that.

Being trustable is one aspect of the larger concept of relational well-being.

Relational well-being is caring for the health of your relationship between you and your child. Of course we care about our relationship in general, but we don’t always base our decisions on how it will affect that relationship.

We are more likely to base them on behaviours, manners, rules and (if we’re honest) our own emotional response.

And yet the way we relate to our kids, the love, respect, safety and freedom, as well as the trust we develop, affects how open they will be to our guidance and influence. This means making the relationship between you and your child a major priority in your parenting decisions.

Look For Every Opportunity To Deepen Your Relationship

When you have a priority of developing your relationship with your kid then a lot of things that we’re used to doing have to change. The key is to make all your day to day interactions relationship focused rather than task or obedience focused.

For example, saying no to your kids on a regular basis is damaging to your relationship. Every time we say no to our kids it pushes them just a little farther away. It lets them know that we believe we have authority over them. As parents we can get so used to saying no that it becomes a habit.

If we can monitor how often we say no, and only say it when it’s really necessary then our kids feel we really support and accept them. The more we create an atmosphere of YES the more they will feel our respect rather than our authority.

An Attitude Of Authority Creates Distance Between You

How can one have a free and open relationship with somebody who has authority over them? There are always going to be bits of ourselves held back. I realize that in life there we always keep pieces of ourselves from others, but in the closest relationships there is lot less held back. I believe this is a desirable state to have with your kids, that they feel they can really be themselves with you.

So I encourage you to start to make a habit out of saying yes. I have written an article about the difficulties and benefits of saying yes. I recommend when you finish this article popping over there and reading that one on my blog because a lot of questions about saying yes are answered in that article.

But generally I want to encourage you to look for all the times that you can say yes to your kid that aren’t going to kill you or them. There’s always a reason to say no, but if we resist the temptation we can bring a transformation to our families.

I’ll give you a really good example:

Your kid comes to you and says “I don’t want to brush my teeth tonight, is that okay?”

How can you reasonably say yes to something like that?

They have to take care of their teeth. It has to become a habit. If we say yes then two days and three days and five days will go by and they won’t brush their teeth. It’s going to cost me money if anything happens to their teeth. So there are lots of good reasons to say no.

When we put our relationship with our children as a priority, the difficulty is all those other reasons have to become a secondary priority. All of them.

This is what I mean when I say it is very difficult.

If your kid comes to you and says I don’t want to brush my teeth and anything else is a priority before your relationship you can say “No you gotta brush your teeth.”

Your Response Changes When Your Focus In On Relationship

But if your focus, your priority is on your relationship then you need to say “Yes, it’s okay.”

Because they’re asking for autonomy over their own bodies.

They are asking for you to trust them and to believe in their decisions.

And if you say “NO, you don’t have autonomy over your body. NO, you don’t have that freedom and you don’t have my trust.” then there is significant damage done to how they view you and how free they can be with you.

When I was a kid there were times I didn’t want to brush my teeth and my parents always made me. So just stop asking them. I would go to the bathroom and fake brush. I knew they would check up on me so I would wet my tooth brush and smear toothpaste on my mouth so I would smell of it. And I didn’t brush my teeth. There were times weeks would go by and I wouldn’t brush my teeth.

Freedom Teaches Lessons And Creates Responsibility

It would have been better to have given autonomy over my body and at the same time taught me about the importance of brushing my teeth. Include acknowledging and accepting that there are times I didn’t want to brush my teeth, I wouldn’t have gone weeks without brushing my teeth. I would have missed the occasional day.

It is because I never learned those lessons, because I didn’t develop the ability to self-monitor, and because I was rebelling against the imposition on my freedom that caused me to not brush my teeth for so long.

True freedom, true independence and true respect can only be created in an atmosphere of freedom. So look for all the ways you can create this atmosphere of freedom in your family.

One of the primary ways is to become yes focused. When you are looking for ways to say yes and opportunities to say yes then your mindset changes, their mind set changes and the whole energy in your family will change.

Just to be clear, because it always comes up when I talk about saying yes, it’s a good thing to say no when your child is about to eat poison, run into a busy street, touch a hot stove or any number of Danger situations. It’s also sometimes necessary to say no when unavoidable scheduling issues arise. Like you have to get to work or you’ll lose your job.

It’s just that these moments are in the vast minority of our total interactions.

The rest of the time there are so many opportunities to say yes.

I hope these ideas will be helpful to you.

I honestly suggest trying them, even if they’re very different from how you already parent.

Try them for a short while and see if any results come.

Conscious Conflict Resolution Brings A Family Together

Wouldn’t it be lovely to reduce the amount of arguments that you have?

Wouldn’t it be lovely if moments of conflict brought you closer to your kids?

Wouldn’t be lovely to be best friends with your kids and they respected you and trusted your wisdom? That sounds like a pretty damn good combination to me.

I invite you to come and read more about these kinds of positive, involved, life skills and relationship building ideas that I call conscious parenting on my blog. I am sure you can find something meaningful to you. www.meaningfulideas.com

I wish you all the best on your parenting journey.

 

Matrix Download Syndrome, Part II – Marc MacYoung


When I hear of a ‘horrible’ event I ask, “Did the person live?”
If yes, my response is, “Good.” This often provokes outrage. How
could I respond like that to something so terrible? They don’t
understand how different my scale of bad is from most people’s. As in
if the answer is no, my next question is, “How many parts was the body found in?”

Part I

I don’t think there is a self-defense instructor on the planet who hasn’t heard, “What if I can’t leave?” Now granted this is often is in the form of what I call a Twenty-seven Ninja Question. “What if I’m walking down a dark alley and I get jumped by twenty-seven ninjas with Uzis?” That’s the person’s imagination running amok and creating unrealistic, no-win situations. For the record stop trying to answer these with anything except, “You die.” You will never be able to come up with workable solutions faster than their imagination can come up with no-win scenarios.

The real problem, however, with “what if I can’t leave” is who’s being asked. How many instructors give the subject of withdrawing from a dangerous situation anything more than a hand wave? “Well of course, you should always try to withdraw. But when you can’t, here’s all the cool mayhem you can do!” That’s more than a small mistake—it’s a real issue that can get your students killed or put into prison.

What does a situation where you can’t withdraw look like? How does a situation where you can’t develop? What do they look like when they step out of the shadows fully formed?  How do you know when it’s time to walk away and when to run? How do you withdraw? How do you know when withdrawal is working? When it isn’t? Why do most people think they can’t withdraw? More importantly does your student know how to withdraw (and thereby end) a situation without provoking further aggression?


Notice I was vague about all this? Well that’s another article, but after seeing multiple incidents where someone did follow someone ‘trying’ to withdraw, I can assure you most of them were provoked by the so-called victim. Do you have any idea how this provocation happens? And if not, how can you teach what you’ve never thought about?

I’ll give you another titillating tidbit to consider. It’s the people who ask, “But what if he follows” (another version of can’t leave) who are the ones most likely to provoke that very reaction. I highly recommend you invest skull sweat thinking about what causes someone —who was willing to let your student walk away—change his mind and attack.

But that isn’t what I want to talk about in this article. The issue I want to discuss calls into question much of what is being taught as self-defense. It’s based, not on the hypothetical “what if I can’t leave,” but the realities of when you can’t. That is: Do the people you teach have, first, the dedication and, second, the commitment to do what it takes—no matter the cost?

This is sort of important in a “what if I can’t leave context”? If the answer is no, then why are you wasting time teaching things that require dedication and commitment in order to work? Why are you not teaching something that they can use right now  to keep themselves safe? Like that it’s okay to withdraw before things get to the point where you can’t? Like how to safely withdraw? Like how violence tends to happen and how not to contribute to the escalation? Like how strong emotion can blind us to developing danger — especially when we’re mad or offended? Or do you figure that if they keep practicing, in five years they’ll be able to do the physical stuff you’re teaching?

Now I’m not talking all the mumbo jumbo about instilling confidence. We’re in the self-defense business, not self-help. If they need therapy, send them to a psychiatrist or counseling. Self-defense isn’t about feelings and self-esteem. Can this training affect those? Yes, of course. But that is a byproduct of self-defense training not the goal. Let me remind you: People’s lives, freedom and finances depend on the quality of information you provide.

Why am I so adamant about this? A violent life has taught me: Confidence without the ability to back it up is not just arrogance, but suicidal. You have to know the limits of the training you provide and tell them that. That’s because confidence without competence, knowledge, and willingness to act leads to bad decisions. Decision-making often based on willful ignorance about the degrees of danger someone is putting him- or herself into. Levels of danger far beyond their training or abilities.

I have a friend who, despite having a PhD, grew up on the streets and had seen the savagery and horrors of predators. He had a young co-ed who told him because she knew Krav Maga, she was safe walking, late at night, alone, on the campus. My friend said, “Not a good idea,” and she got defensive. It resulted in her demanding, “Well, how would you attack me?” He told her. Her response was, “But that could kill me!” His response was, “Honey if I’m a monster who wants to rape you, I don’t care if you’re conscious, unconscious, or dead when I do it.” Welcome to the realities of the differences between a drunken frat boy (who ignores no) and real-life monsters. The kind of monsters no amount of training will prepare you to go head-to-head against. Training is good, but the survival requirements come from another place

That was the knowledge of the limits of her training I was talking about earlier. Would her Krav and confidence have worked on a drunken frat boy? Probably. But a woman walking the campus alone at night isn’t going to get attacked by Chip (or others of the Izod set). What will be coming at her is a whole different animal. And that’s assuming it’s not a run-of-the-mill mugger, who will just shoot her at the first sign of resistance. (Oh, like say, dropping into her fighting stance.) Sure, she was willing to kick and punch, but that’s a social violence strategy. It doesn’t work well with asocial violence and predators. Those are the kinds of monsters that prowl the night she was so confidently walking through.

This is why: “Do the people you are teaching have, first, the dedication and, second, the commitment to do what it takes—no matter the cost” is a more important question than you might think.

Now I will be the first to admit we’re in a market-driven field. For example, I recently had a woman call me up and ask, “If I did an eight-hour, one-day women’s self-defense seminar”—because that’s what she and her friend wanted. I told her no and began to explain why. She hung up on me before I could tell her, “Almost all one-day seminars are more dangerous to you than no training at all.” Why do I say that? Well for multiple reasons.

One, anything she’s likely to learn in what is being taught in most seminars like that she’ll forget in three days. Not just improving but retaining newly learned physical skills takes practice. Practice most people don’t do. Two, most self-defense seminars are about fear management not danger management (soothing fears instead of teaching you how to manage danger.) Three, violence does not have a simplistic, one-size-fits-all, this-works- for-everything technique that you can learn. Four, violence is a spectrum of levels and types. An answer that works beautifully for one type doesn’t work for others (for example, drunken frat boy versus lurking serial rapist or murderer). Five, under adrenal stress you cannot effectively perform (hell, arguably even remember) techniques you haven’t practiced and ingrained prior to any dangerous incident. Six, even though my caller wasn’t in college, she was looking for equivalent of what Krav Chick thought she had: Something that would work on drunken frat boys, muggers, and monsters —except in this case learnable in eight hours. Sorry, lady, there are monsters out there that the only thing the average person can do is run screaming from. Eight hours won’t prepare you. It’s arguable eight years won’t be enough to cover all the possibilities of just three of those scenarios.

The list goes on for a bit more, but it ends with: Overconfidence and false confidence based on misunderstood information. That’s what eight hours is most likely to teach you.

Here’s an example. And what I am about to say flies in the face of the most cherished SD myth there is. Yet it’s a staple of eight-hour seminars. That is if you walk with confidence (like you’re going somewhere) the bad guys will leave you alone.

This. Is. Bullshit. There are countless more factors that go into who is targeted and why. Taking this idea to an extreme, walking alone through gang territory at night, unarmed, you can project all the confidence you want—but it’s not going to keep you from being targeted. Yet, I have encountered people—who have a little training—who believe it does. Enough so they’ll foolishly walk in such areas. “I can take care of myself.” That’s over confidence. Conversely, someone who is afraid and has no training has no problem being behind locked doors in that kind of area at night. As such, the person with no training, but common sense is safer than the person with some training who is taking unnecessary chances. Often this escalates into high-risk behavior among half-trained people because they believe they can take care of themselves.

Here’s a reality break. It is seldom the mouse that is the victim. That’s because mice have no problem running like hell—and doing it right up front before danger has a chance to really manifest. It’s the person, who has too much unfounded confidence, who walks into the tiger’s jaws. (Look up Dunning Krueger Effect.)

And why shouldn’t they be overly confident? How much time do you spend empowering them instead of telling them the limitations of the training? Or are you so busy trying to build confidence, you never tell them what the training doesn’t prepare them to handle? Two examples pop immediately to mind. One, mixed martial arts training won’t save you against four opponents. Two, carrying a firearm isn’t much help for non-lethal force situations.

If you’re not telling them their limits—why not?

Part III

Are You Part of a Movement, Tribe, or Tribe that Has Gone Tribal? – Erik Kondo

What is a Movement? What is a Tribe? How can you tell if you are in a tribe or part of a movement?

There is nothing inherently wrong with being in a tribe. Human beings are naturally drawn to tribes. Most people are members of a wide variety of tribes. Your family is a tribe. Your place of employment is a tribe. Some of your hobbies and recreational interests are run by tribes.

The problem with tribes is that they have the potential to go “Tribal”. There are multiple definitions for going Tribal. Generally speaking, going Tribal means that the tribe is now ruled by emotional thinking. Allegiance to the ways of the tribe is now of primary importance. Tribal Tribes are ideological, not rational in their decision making and actions.

In many ways a movement is similar to a tribe. Just like a tribe, a movement can be run by an organization. A movement can have rules. These rules need to be communicated and respected. The rules describe the movement’s mission and what it stands for. For example, the goal of increasing recycling is a movement. There could be a central organization that provides guidance on the best practices for recycling. In this way, a movement can look like a tribe.

If you are someone who recycles, then you are part of the Recycling Movement. A movement could be a set of beliefs such as the believing in UFOs or alien life. Or a movement could be a method of parenting such as “free ranging” your kids.

What makes a movement different from a tribe is that the rules of a movement are actually unenforceable guidelines. Movements don’t enforce the rules of behavior. So once you stop recycling you are simply out of the movement. You many chose to recycle in a manner that is different than that recommended by the central organization. But you are still part of the movement. As long as your primary behavior is in keeping with the mission of the movement, you are by default part of the movement. A movement has Followers.

A tribe on the other hand, enforces it rules. Tribe members must follow the rules or face some type of consequences. These consequences could come from a formal organization or come from the members themselves. A tribe doesn’t always have a defined leadership. But tribe member behavior is still controlled. A tribe that has gone Tribal, is likely to use inappropriate means of enforcement. They are likely to use punishment and revenge that is driven by limbic/emotional thinking. A tribe has Members.

A vengeful mob is a temporary tribe that has gone Tribal. If the mob wants to beat someone, and you try to stop them, they are likely to turn on you. In fact, being a traitor in many Tribes warrants greater punishment than the same act committed by a non-member.

Tribes can go Tribal, movements can’t. Movement behavior is voluntary. You are part of the Non-smoking Movement until you start smoking. Once you start smoking, you are automatically out of the Movement. Whereas a Non-smoking Tribe would try to stop you from smoking for breaking the non-smoking rule. A Tribal non-smoking tribe may harshly punish you for simply talking about wanting to smoke. Tribal tribes have Believers.

I believe in gender equality which makes me part of the movement toward Equal Rights for Men and Women.

But I am neither a Men’s Rights Activist nor a Feminist. I consider both of them to be Tribes within the overall Movement. There are rules for acceptable behavior to be a member of these tribes. Enforcement is varied, but potent. There are sub-tribes within these two tribes that engage in Tribal behavior.

You can be in a tribe that is part of a movement which makes you both a tribe member and movement follower. For example, if you believe in self-defense you are part of the Movement of Self-Protection. This movement is made up of a wide variety of individuals and tribes. But some of these tribes have radically different views and beliefs on how self-defense is actually achieved. These tribes may war against each other as to what is the best form of self-defense. They may disagree on just about everything, but as long as they believe in the value of Self-Protection they are part of the movement.

Some of these tribes may be Tribal, others may not be. But if you don’t follow the rules of your tribe, there will be consequences.

In the 1800’s, there was a movement of individuals and tribes to settle the American West towards California. Now image that some of them have lost their way and started heading south towards Texas. Most likely, someone in these wayward Tribes would notice that the sun was no longer setting in front of them and notify the Tribes’ leaders. A tribe that has gone Tribal might ignore such information and punish the members for speaking up. Such a Tribe may try to convince its members that the sun actually sets in the North. Eventually, the Tribe members will come to believe that south is really west and that they are still part of the Movement.

When it comes to the Movement of Self-Protection are you a follower, or tribe member? If you are a tribe member, has your tribe gone Tribal making you a Believer?

 

Are You Managing Conflict? – Toby Cowern

What does the word ’Conflict’ bring to your mind?

As I look across a large spectrum of books, magazines, forums, videos and articles it seems many people ‘preparing for conflict’ are addressing, what I would call, the ‘high impact, low likelihood’ scenarios. How to tackle an assailant with a gun. How to fend off a physical assault by multiple persons. How to defeat not one, but two, knife wielding robbers! While I do not want to dispute these situations can and do occur, it occurs to me a few minutes spent looking at the ‘bigger picture in smaller detail’ maybe well spent.

The definition of ‘Conflict’ is listed as 1. (noun) A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. (e.g. “the eternal conflict between the sexes”) 2. (Verb) Be incompatible or at variance; clash (e.g. “parents’ and children’s interests sometimes conflict”)

When we look in those terms, the ‘frenzied attack’ frequently trained for, is actually quite absent in the true meaning of ‘Conflict’. So we should be asking ourselves, what are the actual conflicts I am experiencing or likely to experience?  If I want to successfully manage ‘Conflict’, how should I prioritize where to invest my time and energy first?

Knowing that a number of the leading causes of stress1 easily fall into association with the ‘Conflict’ category and knowing that stress contribute to some of the primary causes of death2 we should definitely have a vested interest in exploring this idea more.

There is a plethora of ‘lists of top causes’ when it comes to stress, but common overlaps can be found in; Childhood trauma, Personal relationships (Including work related), Divorce, Economic Problems and Personal Health Issues. While it is certainly not my intention to turn this article into an ‘Advice Column’ I am going to encourage all of you readers to just think for a moment. Very often these conflict issues, especially concerning spouses and family, can become quite the ‘elephant in the room’ and actually the escapism offered by certain forms of training can be the coping mechanism to deal with the stress, or conflict, you are actually suffering from.

Let’s just re-phrase that: You are training to defend yourself from a potentially extremely violent altercation, in order to avoid dealing with a lower level altercation. If you accept this premise, you’ll realize this is quite the dichotomy, or at the very least realize there is a significant mis-prioritization occurring.

As I look back on some of my previous training priorities and segway it with my personal circumstances at the time, I can clearly see a number of occasions that this incorrect prioritization was present, to put it bluntly I was training for the potential altercation, in order to avoid the actual. So how am I seeing this now, but not then?

One of the biggest contributors to identifying and managing these personal conflicts was attending the ‘Conflict Communication’ training delivered by Rory Miller. With an understanding and recognition of how various ‘Scripts’ play out, it is far easier to see what is happening, more fully react to and successfully manage the conflict. This training course was one of those that you truly cannot believe how powerful it was until a few days after and you have had some time to reflect. I have had the fortune to attend this training three times now and would certainly encourage you to attend of possible. If you are unable then reading the book will be a good start point.

While Conflict Communications is a powerful tool, it is also more than within your capability to manage other aspects of Conflict that you maybe experiencing right now. All that is required to begin, is to take an objective look at your current circumstances, identify areas where conflicts currently exist and begin to strategize how best to deal with this. They key, quite simply, is to ensure you are prioritizing the Conflicts correctly. I strive to deal with the immediate, before training for the potential.

Maybe the technique for disarming two attackers armed with bats and knives can wait for another day, and a productive conversation with your significant other can happen instead? Instructors especially, if we cannot manage our own conflicts, how can we, in good faith, train others to manage theirs?

  1. http://www.livestrong.com/article/132015-top-10-causes-stress/
  2. http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-does-stress-affect-us/