Category: #2 – MAY, 2015

Calm Down Please, Part I – Iain Abernethy

In this article we will be looking at verbal de-escalation. What I mean by “verbal de-escalation” is what we can do to calm people down, avoid unnecessary physical conflict, and “talk our way out”.

This is a huge subject and to try to cover all aspects of the topic in one article would be like trying cover everything there is to know about punching in one 30 minute session. Nevertheless, I hope to cover some of the core ideas and hopefully encourage you to seek out more information on this fascinating and important topic.

Martial artists train for a whole host of reasons; enjoyment, physical and mental challenge, sport, personal achievement, self-development, to enjoy a common pursuit with other people, to explore “martial culture”, self-defence, and many other reasons besides.

All of these aspects of the martial arts – using that term in its everyday sense – are worthwhile and are perfectly valid reasons to train. However we can have big problems when people mistake the requirements of one aspect with the requirements of another. Perhaps the most common example of this is people training for art, self-development or sport, and believing that, by default, such training will prepare them for dealing with criminal activity and violence (self-defence).

As well as failing to appreciate the many differences between physical “duelling” in the dojo and the realities of the physical side of self-defence, what those to hold to such a view fail to grasp is that true self-defence requires many skills that fall outside the realms of physical conflict. If the student is not given training in these skills then they are not adequately prepared for true self-defence. We need to know about home and mobile security, we need to know the law, we need to be well versed in the nature and type of crimes we are statistically most likely to face, we need training in threat awareness, assessment and avoidance … and we need the verbal skills to defuse and de-escalate situations should it be possible to do so. Believing that physical technique alone is all that is needed for real self-defence is naive in the extreme.

Training solely in the physical, and totally ignoring the more important non-physical aspects of self-defence, also gives us the massive problem that all we have is a physical solution! We therefore could find ourselves in situations we should never have been in, unable to avoid situations that could have been avoided, and running the risk of physical harm (and legal problems) when there was a way to avoid the situation becoming physical. If we truly wish to adequately address the needs of self-protection then we need to include a lot more in our study and teaching than just physical technique.

In this article, we will be discussing the basics of verbal de-escalation and it is my hope that this discussion encourages those new to the subject to explore it in greater depth. It’s not enough to simply give the topic lip service, as many do, with throw away lines such as “talk your way out if you can”. That’s just like saying “punch hard” and expecting students to be able to punch well despite never having being taught punching! There is much to the subject of verbally de-escalating situations and we’ll now move on to cover some of the key points.

The first thing we need to be clear on is that not all situations can be de-escalated!  Sometimes there is no verbal “preamble”. Other times, the person will be in such an emotional state as to be beyond reasoning. Alternatively, they may make the decision that they will not be reasoned with.  If someone is fully committed to harming you, robbing you, assaulting you, etc then you are not going to be able to talk them out of it. You are not going to be able to talk the career criminal into having an attack of conscience nor are you going to convince the drug addict that they don’t need your money or possessions to feed their habit. If the person is also under the influence of drink or drugs at the time it will make reasoning with them difficult if not impossible. We therefore can’t talk our way out of all situations. Peter Consterdine expressed it very well when he said, “We cannot reason with the unreasonable”.

A year or so a go there was a feature on the 24 hour BBC news channel where it was showing the training of security personnel. In one clip it showed the trainer asking someone playing the role of attacker to “calm down” while they were throwing a barrage of punches at the trainer. If a person is already throwing punches, I would suggest that we are beyond the point of trying to reason with them and we are firmly in the realms of the unreasonable. We need to know when talking is and is not appropriate.

So what we are mainly talking about is those situations where a person is getting angry, frustrated or agitated and hence physical violence is possible, but not inevitable. Of course, you won’t know ahead of time whether a situation can be de-escalated or not. They key therefore is to always be aware and be ready to get physical as it becomes clear that is where the situation is headed. If the person is getting increasingly hostile while trying to close distance, then we should conclude that de-escalation has failed, they cannot be reasoned with, and the correct action at that point would be to pre-emptively strike and escape. There are other times when talking is not appropriate too and we’ll come to those later.

So there are times were verbal de-escalation is neither possible nor appropriate. However, assuming that it is possible to reason with a person, there are methods we can use to help calm people down should they start to get aggressive, and prevent people from getting overly agitated in the first place.

One simple, but effective way to help defuse potentially violent situations is to employ the LEAPS model. LEAPS is an acronym to remind us of the key points of a communication style that can help stop people getting more aggressive and calm them down (providing they are not so emotional as to have reached the state of being “unreasonable”).

The “L” stands for “Listen”. If a person feels they are being listened to it can help remove any sense of frustration. The fact you are silent and listening also gives the person the chance to verbally vent any frustrations they have. Letting a person “get it all out” can be very effective if done right. Listening also gives you the chance to understand why the person is agitated and hence what would be the best things to say and do to help reduce that agitation. Silently listening can also help (delude) the person talking to feeling in control. This can prevent them feeling the need to physically make it clear who is in control!

The silent listening is of course your way of keeping control of the situation, but there is no harm in making the other person feel they are in charge from both the perspectives of calming the situation down further or “tactically intervening” with a pre-emptive strike should it become necessary. Remember that verbal de-escalation is just as much about listening and staying silent at appropriate times as well as what you actually say.

The “E” stands from “Empathise”. Make it clear to the other person that you understand their position and by doing so you give it validity. Even if you think the person is “wrong” remember that your ego should not lead you into unnecessary conflict. Simply saying something along the lines of, “I understand  where you are coming from. In your situation I would feel the same way” can help a person feel there is common ground between you and that there is no need for them to get more and more forceful as they try to get their point across. Saying “I’m so sorry I was not looking where I was walking. I understand: I’d be unhappy too if someone split my drink by being careless. Please let me put that right and buy you another.” will be far more effective than a simple, “sorry mate”.

The “A” stands for “Ask”. By asking the right questions you can better understand what stimulated the aggression. You can encourage the person to “get it all out” verbally, buy time, and make it clear that you wish to understand the other person’s viewpoint. They are less likely to escalate to physical violence if they feel there is no need to do so. Frustration is often a trigger for violence. When asking questions it is generally better to keep the question open ended i.e. ones that cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no”. This encourages them to keep talking and keeps their mind focused on talking. Better they talk than getting physical. Asking, “Will you explain the problem so can I understand?” is not good because it can be answered with an aggressive, “No!”. It is better to ask, “What is your key concern as I want to be sure I fully understand?” It is also a good idea to avoid loaded or accusatory questions. It should be obvious that asking “What is your problem?!” or “Can you please calm down?” are unlikely to have the effect we want.

The “P” is for “Paraphrase”. If you can state the person’s concerns back to them in an alternative way it shows that you understand. Simply repeating word for word can be seen as mocking a person. If a person was to say, “I’m f-ing angry because you should watch were you’re f-ing driving! You nearly crashed into me!” then stating, “I am sorry and I can understand why you are upset at my carelessness” show that you understand and is more likely to de-escalate than simply stating, “I understand that you are upset because I did not watch where I was f-ing driving”.

The final “S” is for “Summarise”. When the person has “got it all out” it can then be useful to summarise the position and concerns of the other person so that they know they have been understood. The summery also marks the end of the conversion and makes is clear that nothing further is needed.

So to recap; LEAPS: listen, empathise, ask, paraphrase, and when it you feel the time is right summarise.

 

 

The Self-Defense Continuum, Part I – Teja Van Wicklen

This Self Defense Continuum is about perspective and context. It is a tool to help you break something big down into bit-sized pieces so it can be examined and followed and understood. The Self-defense Continuum is a combination of the ideas of two self defense analysts who were, at the time, working separately.

Erik Kondo came up with The Five Ds of Self Defense. These are five options you have for avoiding, disrupting or escaping crime in one piece. They are Decide, Deter, Disrupt, Disengage, Debrief. (You can find out more about Erik Kondo at ConflictResearchGroupIntl.com or Not-Me.org)

Marc MacYoung came up with The Five Stages of Violent Crime, which represent the stages a criminal goes through in order to commit a crime. They are Intent, Interview, Positioning, Attack, Reaction. (You can find out more about Marc MacYoung at ConflictResearchGroupIntl.com or NoNonsenseSelfDefense.com)

The fact that both men came up with five things that completed one another and formed a natural connection, was opportune and curious. When I looked closer I found they had come up separately and miraculously each with half of a whole.

Together these concepts form The Self Defense Continuum – the time line along which a crime occurs. Thinking of crime as something with a Before, During and After helps us view crime as a process and not just a sudden occurrence we have no control over. It helps us see how moments come together to form events. It helps us see where we fit in and possibly how and where we can affect the outcome. To be able to see a particular crime as a kind of story, can give us more power to affect how we play into it – in naming and understanding the individual moments of a crime, and seeing how one moment follows the next, we gain a bit more insight and potential control over circumstances.

Unfamiliar stories or processes seem to occur out of the blue or too quickly for our reaction time. When we are blind to a process we are unable to comprehend it, let alone, change it. How much time or notice there is before and even during an event has an enormous amount to do with what we perceive to be important information. We only hear or take in that which makes sense to us, and that expands or contracts the feeling of time. The process of crime or event prediction is very much about seeing more than we thought was there.

Let’s use baseball as an analogy. Imagine, you’re at the batting cage for the first time. That ball is coming at you at 65 or so miles per hour and if you’ve never been in a batting cage before, that can be reasonably hard core. How are you supposed to put a bat on a tiny thing headed directly at your head like that?

So you start with a formula. Where is the ball coming from? And where is it aiming at? Once you begin to understand the trajectory, you start hitting the ball. This is an intuitive process for some, and a calculation for others. Either way, you have to get it embedded into your reflexes somehow because you won’t have time to consciously tell your arms to tense up and swing. It has to just happen.

After you’ve had a bit of practice, you start to get the hang of it and you find you have time to dig in and get comfortable. Now that you know how it works, there seems to magically be plenty of time to process things and you start hitting a lot more balls than you miss. Hitting them well is another phase of learning, but hitting them at least means they’re not hitting you.

The first phase of The Self Defense Continuum is:

DECIDE To Spot Criminal INTENT
This is the Before Stage. Decide is the longest, most important and least explored area of self defense. It is where we live, it is where we work, it is where we have time to fortify our homes, our lives, our families, ourselves.

Once something goes wrong you are in the During phase where you have to act quickly. You no longer have time to prepare, make leisurely decisions or comb your hair. Before a robbery you can choose which locks to buy. You can compare prices. During, you can only make a phone call, fight him off, run, or put out the flames.

Before is where most of the work gets done. Until something goes wrong it is always Before. It is Before, right now. Right now, you are Deciding to read this article.

Decide then, is about Preparation. And preparation is the single most important step you can take before a journey. When you hike up a mountain, what you know and what you take with you are pretty important. When you study for the test, you ace the test. When you don’t, you scramble, second guess and reap the rewards of a job poorly done. But never get cocky, that’s how we become lazy. Hubris is often why seasoned swimmers drown and professional climbers fall.

Specifically, this part of the Continuum is about a Deciding to learn how to read or intuit the Intent of another to harm you.

The concept of Criminal Intent refers to a person’s readiness to commit a crime – a readiness that manifests itself physically in some way, because very few people are able to hide everything they’re feeling when something serious is on the line.

Intent is more than a motive. A motive is a reason to do something. We all have good reasons to do lot’s of things that we don’t do. You could have a good motive to quit your job, but you may not. Intent is imminent. He has moved from motive to plan. The barriers are down.

Why he’s chosen you may or may not be important, you may or may not ever find out. If you get away quickly and he escapes, you may have to live without ever knowing. The longer you engage with a criminal, the more you find out about what he’s planning. Is he tying to take you somewhere? Has he asked for something? Or does he want to hurt someone? Do you really want to know?

How do you thwart criminal Intent? Well, first you have to learn to SEE it. And the earlier you see it the better for obvious reasons. If your training and your senses are working for you, you may not even know if the situation was really going to be dangerous. He’ll be gone and moving on to someone else instead of you. There’s always the chance he was just a lonely guy looking for conversation and that he really is a friend of a friend of yours. But there are cues and clues to what people want and how invested they are in getting it. Everyone has a tell, and unlike the movies most tells are similar.

I won’t go into specific behaviors here, Gavin De Becker already wrote the book ‘The Gift of Fear’. And Desmond Morris wrote a number of books on human behaviour if you want to go deeper, just look him up. Then there is What Everybody is Saying and Lie Spotting. There is a ton of information on this stuff at your fingertips. Go forth and practice people reading. Do not, however, jump on your beginner abilities and start judging people. Just watch and over time see if you’re right about your preliminary thoughts. When it comes to danger it’s simple. If something tickles your spider sense, just opt out.

A guy once walked straight towards my car window. He walked in too direct a line and smiled the whole time. The smile looked too practiced and he came a little too quickly. My son was in the car. It was getting dark. He held his hand out like he had a question but I didn’t see any real question in his eyes. He looked too comfortable standing in the middle of a parking lot. Not like a person with a problem. None of this was thought out, things just seemed off and I responded to the discomfort I felt and the child in the back seat I was responsible for.

I rolled up my window before he got to my car, that’s all the time I had. My keys were in my hand but I couldn’t get them into the ignition before he was at my window. He said something like, “can I talk to you.” I smiled and pretended not to understand. I put the key in the ignition while he motioned for me to roll down the window. I smiled, nodded, and I pulled out.

He didn’t need me to roll my window down to talk to me. He also didn’t need to get so close to my car. If he had a question he could have gestured, pointed, stated his need clearly from a few feet away. Good men who live in this world know that you don’t get that close to a woman, especially one with a young child, especially in dim light or darkness.

I love to help people. If you really need something and I can help, I’m your girl. But those were not the words or the body language of someone in a desperate situation. They were the words and actions of someone with an agenda.

It’s arguable, of course. But my son was in the car and that’s what my instincts told me. I’ll never know, and that’s okay with me.

To Be Continued.

Next: DETER At The INTERVIEW Stage

 

THE TOP EIGHT MISTAKES PEOPLE MAKE IN DEALING WITH HOSTILE AND POTENTIALLY ASSAULTIVE PEOPLE – Peyton Quinn

In this article I write as a self-defense instructor about the mistakes in communications people make in dealing with a hostile person who are testing them verbally with insults etc. in order to see how they respond and if they are a safe victim to assault.

But what we are dealing with here really is human beings and the ‘Wild Kingdom’ we all really live in. I have lived in more than one world in that I was bouncer/cooler in the mid-seventies in a very large and fight prone bar in New Mexico. At the same time I was a High School Mathematics teacher in that desert community too. Later I left teaching in public schools and started a software company that was reasonably successful.

In that work I interfaced with IBM and Hewlett Packard at many different levels of authority and responsibility. I am not at all exaggerating when I say that working in that bar as bouncer, in terms of learning how to better communicate with hostile and aggressive patrons to avoid violence; well to be frank that skill served me well in the business world too.

I was actually surprised to see the extent to which there was so little shared goals by the people in both big firms. Mostly managers and such were first concerned with distancing themselves from any anticipated future problem or crisis. It was politics and self-interest that first motivated most managers and even some higher level executives.

This was real drag on productivity too. And at its root was failure in communications. Few managers wanted to be the one that fist announced a big problem coming up, as then they feared that they would ‘own the problem’. This was not a universal attitude, but any chain of communications is no better than its weakest link.

Remember that there are truly only three types of communications 1-Aggressive and Demanding 2-Passive and subservient and 3- Assertive and effective. But let’s look closer here. In ‘Aggressive and demanding then the person is ‘talking’ to a subordinate. Just as subordinate is receiving that communication or failure at same from a ‘Superior’.

This is similar to responding with FEAR or ANGER at an aggressive person, and that person could be the one assuming the role of the ‘superior’, as in a ‘bully in the bar’ or a ‘pushy’ middle manager. When we respond with either fear or anger we have not chosen our path, we are allowing our biochemistry that is a million years old do the choosing for us!

The only response that is our choice and our decision is to be assertive in the face of aggression.

Now please understand all of this exists on very long continuum.  For example, in a prison environment a convict may kill another convict for being ‘disrespected’ or ‘dissed’. In an office situation a manager my fire an ‘insolent’ or ‘disrespectful employee’.

It is mostly the consequences that are radically different in the two examples here, and not the nature of the communication. Both the manager and the ‘homicidal convict’ acted out of a communication that was received as being ‘disrespectful’.

Effective communications can make guy who intends to pound your face into raspberry jam and has articulated that intention to you into a person who decides he does not have to or want to do that. This is no ‘theory’ with me it is experience. And yes, not all such people can be verbally de-escalated but most in my experience can be.

Likewise middle manager or boss who is ‘chewing your ass out royally’ and maybe even in front of others in the office,  well if you handle it very well you can sometimes communicate with him or her in productive manner to. By ‘productive’ I mean in way that ‘solves’ or ‘begins to solve’ the problem the ‘Boss’ is chewing you out for. Neither anger nor fear can ever accomplish this. But measured assertiveness might.

So let’s get down to specifics here. Below is truncated version of my newsletter to subscribers whose main interest is self-defense, but true self-defense exists on very long continuum too, from the barroom to the boardroom as I have been in both places good people. I will also say that self-defense is subset of self-improvement and the most powerful form of same I am aware of too when done authentically.

Even martial arts, which is not really self-defense training at least in any comprehensive way, has some real self-improvement benefits too.

Hence below in italics I will give examples of the mistakes people make in dealing with a potentially assaultive bully, to the mistakes and consequences of dealing with the office and corporate environment. If you live in the same worlds I do then you surely know there are disagreeable people there too you must communicate with and yes, even bullies as well.

1- They fail to recognize the intent of the abusive person’s verbal attack behaviors.

The bully’s intent is to determine if a physical attack on you is safe for them or not. In short, you are being ‘interviewed ‘for safe victim potential. The verbal attack and insults and challenges are an ‘interview” of you

Same deal with overbearing manager, once they see they can abuse you one way or another they are encouraged to do so. EXAMPLE” The Boss tells a subordinate to have the Johnson report ready by Friday at 10 AM. The subordinate knows it can be done in that time and the software is not set up for the format he wants. SUBORDINATES FEAR RESPONSE: They say nothing and are not communicating the problem and thus they are worried and unproductive all the way to Friday and then the Boss discovers the people coming in from out of town he will be much less prepared to meet and sell. This could be the last straw for the boss and subordinate well catch Hell and may be terminated.

2- They are in Denial that the verbal assault is really happening  

The most common way this is done is just by ignoring the abuser as if he were not there. This means you pass his interview for ‘safe victim potential’ and it’s now much more likely he will get physical\ and attack you. The bully needs to inflate his self-esteem through abusing others with impunity. This is because of his actual weak self-image.

The Boss has not communicated that the situation properly. The subordinate does not realize the gravity of having the report being ready for the important Friday meeting. The subordinate knows that the Boss is always making near impossible demands and time frames and ‘he will just have to learn what is possible and isn’t possible’ Friday.

3- They get angry and return his insults

To the experienced ‘human predator’ this is very close to #3 above. He knows fear and anger are almost the same thing in such a situation. You are also helping him get his courage up to attack you. It is like throwing gasoline on fire to put it out. Showing anger is escalating the situation and shows him he is ‘getting to you’ which to some extent means he is succeeding in controlling you.

To the Boss this is insubordinate and disrespectful and he or she won’t have it. The Boss may terminate the subordinate and find someone in the department that can perform the job rather than complain.

 5- They verbally challenge the aggressor

How stupid is this? Both make themselves tactically open for attack. This is ‘Wild Kingdom’ stuff and neither person is really in control of themselves or they would not do this non-sense

Similar to getting angry, it isn’t a rational choice by the subordinate but an emotional response. The subordinate may seem calm but is saying “Boss we have been through this before. The software does not allow the information to be selected and printed out like that and certainly not by Friday you should be aware of these things by now”. In this communication the subordinate as far as the Boss is concerned is just telling him or her what the subordinate can’t do. This is not of interest as much as what the subordinate CAN DO in the time frame. Further the accusation that “you should be aware of these things by now” is insulting and challenging and may be seen easily as being disrespectful and the subordinate being person that is just too hard to deal with and him or she just does not need that.

6-They display an Ignorance of what is happening. If you show fear, indecision and ignorance of the situation then you might say something like: “Hey leave me alone I haven’t done anything to you”. Of course he knows all that already, you have just told him “I am afraid and I do not understand why your acting this way to me as never have dealt with this before and so you can be sure I do not know how to handle it now if you go physical with me”  

Here the subordinate is taken off balance by the Boss’s demand. This is partly both parties fault too at that point. The subordinate then will be asking ‘what ifs’ or “are you saying that we have too” or “look it’s not my responsibility to be able to do something the system isn’t programmed to do”. Again the subordinate is communicating to the Boss that it is ‘His problem’ not theirs and what once again simply what ‘can’t be done’. The boss needs a replacement that accepts responsibility and knows there job, this person is headed for potential unemployment.

7- They care what people around them will think about them and let that fear determine their   actions.

Suppose you are with friends or your girlfriend or wife when you are confronted by a bully in restaurant. If you are worried or concerned that IF you don’t meet this hostility with ‘manly action’ you will be seen as a coward then you are not in control of yourself, someone else is! If this passes through your mind then you are afraid that you are ‘not really a man’ in the first place and that is the real problem. You are acting like an adolescent boy not a man. Either you are in control of yourself or someone else is. Of course showing fear and freezing up is no good either, it encourages the bully.

The Boss chooses to ‘chew the subordinate out’ in front of other co-workers. This is very seldom by anything but the Boss’s design and purpose so as to amplify the castigation of the subordinate. It is basically the same dynamic communication wise as the dealing with the Bully in the restaurant. The assertive response is best as it discourages the Boss from doing this as it does not met his result does not meet his expectation. An assertive but not insubordinate response might be “Mr. Boss I realize the importance of this problem and we need to go to your office to discuss some sensitive elements of this problem”. If this continues do you really want to work there anyway? WE spend a great really enormous a lot of our life at work. What kind of life do y6ou want? All endings are always also the start of new beginning.

8-They allow themselves to become triggered by ‘Name Calling’. This one is both the more challenging to explain physiologically and for many the most challenging response to disengage from.  Being ‘triggered’ exists on a continuum. The trigger for a Black Person might be being called the “N” word.  Yet the trigger for another person might be something as simple as being called “Sport”. When “triggered’ a person can respond automatically and immediately and thus not under their own self-aware will and rational control.

The OODA loop: concept:

Observation, Orientation, Decision, Action.  This is a very key concept to understand.  Decision-making occurs in a recurring cycle of observe-orient-decide-act. An entity (whether an individual or an organization) that can process this cycle quickly, observing and reacting to unfolding events more rapidly than an opponent, can thereby “get inside” the opponent’s decision cycle and gain the advantage.

AN Example:  Again I am just having a beer on a Harley bike trip through Colorado and New Mexico when I am aware that a guy at a table by himself has the ‘hard eyes’ on me. I judge him to be a ‘regular’ there .I am of course just passing through. I had an unusually strong sense of malice about this guy and possible mental problems. I decided to pre-empt. I smiled at him and sat down at his table and said in a friendly manner  “Don’t I know you form “D Block in La Tuna?” La tuna was a prison in New Mexico the State I was now in.  He was derailed. His OODA loop was broken.

In the example by asking him this questions about ‘was he not someone I saw in prison’, I interrupted his decision loop and derailed it. He was surprised and told me he had been in jail before but never prison.

I replied he had been ‘smart then’ and wished him well and went back to the bar to have lunch. This was one of those rare incidents where pre-preemption was best and so I went with my gut feeling there.

OK, how does this idea of the OODA Loop apply to business? The short answer is “in every possible aspect of business”. This is because business is about people and commutations and sales in particular is about anticipating and being able to preemptively engage objections to the sale. Now do not say to yourself “But I am not in sales”. Yes you are in sales every human being on the planet is in sales one way or another really regardless of what they do for a living.

One way to grasp this is this idea: A Doctor sells medical services a Lawyer legal service a Plumber fixing your leaking pipes and overflowing toilet services, a politician sells himself in nearly every conceivable way imaginable, a would be lover of another is selling him or herself to that significant other, or would be significant other or spouse as a suitable mate. The list is of course endless.

To the management or CEO you are selling him or her the idea that you are valuable asset to the enterprise.  Ok we don’t necessarily think of it those terms or idioms, but isn’t this idea about ‘sales’ a reality?

That is where the OODA Lop and mastering its intricacies with people and prospects becomes paramount. Sales of any kind is mainly the business of educating the prospect to the sale the ‘how and why’ he or she needs your service or product. Of course that ‘prospect’ may be your boss, the CEO, the manager that can promote you or even the person you are hoping to sell a piece of real estate too).

So you want to anticipate objections so you can resolve them in the mind of your sales prospect. Yet the objections to any sale are always one of these three

1-NO NEED, I do not have the problem you solve so I do not need you or you or service or

2-NO HELP, I realize I have a problem but you dot really understand what that problem is so your solution does not apply to me, it is no help.

3- NO HURRY: Hum, I have the problem, your solution seems to fit, but we have gotten along this far without it so there is no hurry to make a decision right now.

You should be prepared to get inside the mind of your prospect OODA Loop wise. This means you know the problem the prospect has as well or better than he or she does. It means you know thus exactly what the benefit you or your solution provide. And for objection number three, NO HURRY, you should be able to meaningfully project to the prospect what it is costing them daily or monthly or yearly just what it is costing them not to have you or your service or product right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V7JwS8d_X8

 

Fit Defence – Douglas Graham

Is Fitness training important in Self Defence? I say yes of course it is. So let us discuss the how and why. We all realise that our cardiovascular performance can be handy for ‘taking it to the trenches’ but let’s face it. The trenches, is a place that few of us ever intend to take a fight. Not to mention that fighting is not the essence of self defence anyway. Conflict management is. So having an element of control over our body and mind is essential yes? Of course.

So how does Fitness training facilitate this process? Let me give you an example.

I was training a young client only a few days prior to writing this blog. We were doing a protocol where his strengths flourish. This lad is solid in structure, strong in body, driven. After a fantastic job on his second movement, exceeding my expectations. He broke down. He was shaking, feeling ill and I could see the energy draining from him. He had pushed himself right to his physical limit. But with excellent form the whole time. But, adrenaline struck hard.

Discomfort shows us we are pushing our limits. Pain shows us we are pushing our luck-

He was extremely uncomfortable. He had never experienced adrenal dump. So we took an extended recovery period to deal with it. To do this we exacted control over the body, using the mind. “YOU are in control” The mind can activate mechanisms in the body to regain control. In This case it was posture and breathing. Sound familiar to anyone?

Ideally we want to release the adrenaline gradually, for the best performance. Rather than saturate the blood with it. Now and again though, it is productive to take ourselves there. He simply pushed his limit and was able to recover then continue without any issue.

As with any reality training(and make no mistake that this is reality training. More real and grinding than a lot of ‘reality based’ self defence I see on the market) You have to push your limits. Body, mind, technique, beliefs. The young warrior learned much of this, in the space of five minutes. Adrenaline is your friend, but it can be your enemy. Physical stress with a functional application is an effective way to tap into this and learn to cope with it, especially on the physical level.

I have personally used my fitness training to supplement my SD for a long time. Mainly technique based, improving quick twitch etc. The stamina aspect is obvious enough. But far more significantly I believe, as do we all at the Art of Functional Movement, is that movement is universal. No matter what modality in which you choose to use it. As much as, if not more than any other part of us, our bio-mechanics have existed almost unchanged since our species came about. The applications are many but the core of functional and efficient human movement is the same. Lines, shapes and patterns.

Functional Fitness training will facilitate every aspect of your life once you see the simplicity of it all. Active core engagement during ‘fence’. The way a simple step turns a straight punch, into a curved one. The difference between squat and deadlift motions can be the difference between dodging a punch, and taking a knee to the head. It is all there. Hiding in plain sight. No secrets, no mysteries, just you and your training. If you can open your mind and apply it right, the world is your oyster full of pearls.

You can check out my other writings via our website at http://www.functional-living.co.uk/

So take care folks. Stay functional, stay safe.    

“Depth of Game” – Rory Miller

 

Editor’s note: In last month’s issue, Erik Kondo wrote a wonderful article on the “12 Principles of Conflict Management”. One of the founding principles of CRGI is that we want our readers and students to see that we challenge and disagree with each other all the time. That there can never be “experts” in a field as complex as conflict. We challenge each other because we all know that being sure is complacency, and complacency is the first step on the road to failure. Our discussion can be your discussion too. Read everything critically, do not just swallow and regurgitate the last thing you read, however cool. So in this issue both Rory Miller and Garry Smith respond.

In the April issue of Conflict Manager Erik put out a great article on the 12 Principles of Conflict Management. He listed 12 principles that all successful conflict managers use:

 

  • Respect (Tolerance, Empathy, Consideration)
  • Clear Communication (Minimal misunderstandings, Directness)
  • Appropriate Enforcement (Just-Right for the situation)
  • Truth (Actuality, Reality)
  • Knowledge (Deep understanding)
  • Dynamic Problem Solving (Critical Thinking, Neo-cortex utilized, Situation specific analysis)
  • Evolution (Constantly evolving and changing, Double Loop Learning)
  • Continuum of Responses (Spectrum, Scaling, Progressive/escalating use of force)
  • Control of Emotions (Limbic system controlled)
  • Trade-offs (Cost/Benefit analysis, Give/take, Negotiation, Compromise, Cooperation)
  • Open-minded (Responsive to feedback, Open to differing viewpoints)
  • Accountability (Responsibility, Agency, Acceptance)

It is easy for a simple list to become a dogma. It is also dangerous and these principles are not just words, they require a depth of understanding  in order to utilize them effectively and to know when your own principles are being used against you.

During our discussion via email Garry suggested that we could look at this, literally as though we were having our eyes tested. I have no idea what he means by this, so I’m eager to check out his article. I do, however, know that we all see things differently and it’s a grave mistake to assume that different=wrong.

1: Respect (Tolerance, Empathy, Consideration)

Respect based on understanding is important. Sympathy, not empathy (or is it the other way around? I get those confused). It is fine to understand other’s feelings or point of view but do not get sucked into them. We have, in this culture, been taught, largely as unthinking dogma, that all points of view are equally valid, and that since tolerance is a virtue, unlimited tolerance must be saintly.

That’s not just wrong, it is dangerously naïve. If you support unlimited culturally diversity, you must also support female genital mutilation. You simply can’t have it both ways. So understand that everyone has limits on their tolerance. If they don’t there can never be a negotiation, just a drawn-out surrender on all points. Without boundaries you will stand for, your only possible conflict management strategy is to beg and hope that the other party, for their own reasons, will drop you a scrap. To have any depth of game, you must have firm lines on what you personally will not tolerate. And if you are tolerant on many issues, watch for where others use your tolerance to manipulate you for their own gain

2: Clear Communication (Minimal misunderstandings, Directness)

Because of my personality, I agree with this very much. The world becomes very smooth and simple when “yes” means “yes” and “no” means “no.” That said, I’m mature enough to understand that this is not the norm for many people.

In many cultures, directness is considered rude. In some subcultures, especially many of the criminals that I dealt with, stories are often told in a circular manner, slowly building up to the point (See A Framework for Understanding Poverty: A Cognitive Approach by Ruby K. Payne, Ph.D).

You have to understand cultural nuances before you can define what clear communication even is.

3: Appropriate Enforcement (Just-Right for the situation)

Realistically, enforcement belongs at the very end of the list. But I’m following Erik’s lead here.

Understand this deeply. Negotiation only works, negotiation doesn’t even exist, except for the threat of what will happen if negotiation fails. You never do hostage negotiations without a tactical response on standby and a country without an army may make themselves feel important by mediating a treaty… but negotiation without an alternative is begging.

And understand as well that rules, policy and law have no existence other than to the extent that they are enforced. Without enforcement, they are imaginary. Just sympathetic magical spells cast by modern shamans. Only believers in the cult are bound by them, and only to the extent that they choose to be bound.

4: Truth (Actuality, Reality)

This takes skill. Simply, very few people have practiced distinguishing facts from conclusions. Feeling sure about something is no indicator of accuracy. Because people conflate emotion and fact, very few disputes are about reality, but about interpretation. If you have not practiced, you will do this as well, and be part of the problem.

5: Knowledge (Deep understanding)

This topic can go as deep as you are willing to take it. Being a subject matter expert in the subject under dispute is valuable. Do you want an electrician mediating between two surgeons on the best way to do a knee surgery?

But you can be skilled at the mechanics of resolving disputes themselves and dissect the disagreement even if you don’t understand the underlying problem. But that takes skill, humility (because the solution will not come from you and you have to accept that), and sensitivity (to recognize the change in attitude when the disputants approach agreement.)

And understand the difference between memorized trivia and understanding. The ability to spout facts is often misinterpreted as understanding those facts. Don’t fool yourself or allow yourself to be fooled by others.

6: Dynamic Problem Solving (Critical Thinking, Neo-cortex utilized, Situation specific analysis)

Ideally, this is where the other twelve principles lead. Rational thought solves problems. Emotions applied to problems often end in either a dominance/submission dynamic (that’s what the limbic system likes) or in overt violence.

But critical thinking takes skill. The best exercise (and test of skill) that I know: if you are rational, you can convincingly, logically and sympathetically argue all sides of an issue. If you can’t, you are working from your limbic system.

7: Evolution (Constantly evolving and changing, Double Loop Learning)

Growth and evolution is the hallmark of all effective people, not just conflict managers. For continuous growth, you must be honest about what has worked and failed and why. Many conflict managers use and teach the tactics they like to use, which may not be the tactics that work best.

In the moment, especially in a tense situation, you must constantly assess what you are doing and adapt. A good manager can change tactics as soon as she sees the signs things are going downhill. A poor conflict manager stays on “proven” strategies even when they are clearly not working.

8: Continuum of Responses (Spectrum, Scaling, Progressive/escalating use of force)

Conflict is a big subject. In the civilized world, skill at negotiation is often enough– you have access to lawyers and, if necessary, police to enforce agreements. But understand that if your skills don’t extend from the immediate persona you project without saying a word; to your ability to argue, trick, negotiate, debate, and command; to your ability to use force from pushing to deadly force; then your skills are incomplete. There are entire levels of conflict that you cannot manage.

Do not arrogantly believe that a very high skill at one type of conflict will translate to any skill at all at a different level. And within the verbal skill set (reference deep understanding) do not believe that your skill at dealing with social problems will help dealing with someone working from an asocial perspective. The skills will not only backfire, they will be used against you.

9: Control of Emotions (Limbic system controlled)

For most people, the default wiring is to assume that any conflict with another human being is a social and/or emotional issue. And we have a tendency to deal with emotional issues from an emotional perspective. Are you smarter when you are angry? Afraid? In love? Do we have any evidence whatsoever that any emotion makes you better at solving problems?

10: Trade-offs (Cost/Benefit analysis, Give/take, Negotiation, Compromise, Cooperation)

The Win-Win solution is set up as the ideal solution in any negotiation. A pure win-win, where everyone gets exactly what they want, is rarely possible. Anything you gain comes at a cost to someone else. A pure win-win would never need to be negotiated, just the possibility pointed out.

Which means you must have a clear idea of what you need and what you want. A clear idea of what you can and cannot sacrifice for what you want. And understand everyone else’s motivations just as clearly. Your ability to manage the conflict will lie almost entirely in your ability to navigate between these edges (gains and losses, acceptable and unacceptable) for all parties.

11: Open-minded (Responsive to feedback, Open to differing viewpoints)

Closed minds don’t grow. Learning is a lifetime activity and I would argue the primary purpose of being a human. That said, it’s entirely possible to learn crap. An open mind with no filter is just as useless, and more dangerous, than a completely closed mind.

All of these principles inter-relate. Your understanding of knowledge, actuality and– above all –critical thinking must temper your tendency to open-mindedness. Listen with an open mind but accept only with critical, rational judgment.

Without mechanisms to test, evaluate, and accept or reject new information a naïve open mind is not just a problem, but a tool that can be used and controlled by people who will not have your best interests at heart.

12: Accountability (Responsibility, Agency, Acceptance)

It is not enough to be able to negotiate or debate or even fight. You also need to be able to identify and measure success or failure. You need to have a mechanism to follow up and make sure the problem resolution is holding. You need to be able to do something if the situation is disintegrating

Without these mechanisms, any solution to any conflict is merely a ritual. The words are said and the treaty is signed…and it will forever be a piece of paper and no more.

You must develop follow-through and in most cases you must grow a reputation for follow-through or else people will be happy to resolve conflict with you, fully confident that they will have free reign as long as they pretend to agree.

Remember, each person in a conflict wants certain things and they want those things at minimal personal cost. If they know or learn that you are satisfied with the appearance of agreement, they will be happy to give you that. The cost of pretending to agree or even to acquiesce is minimal. And the gains from just doing what they want after you have accepted the agreement can be immense. Actions always trump words and without the action of follow-through, any agreement is nothing but words.

In conclusion:

Even this only scratches the surface of these principles. To be good at conflict management or to be skilled at any complex skill is a matter of depth and breadth. There are no simple answers, no one-to-one correspondences. If I were to simplify the list, I would say being a successful conflict manager rests on:

  • Clear goals. You must know what you need, what you want and what you would like.
  • Clear parameters. You must know what is absolutely unacceptable, what you wouldn’t like and what you could live with.
  • Awareness. You must be aware of these within yourself and just as aware of the goals and parameters of the other people involved.
  • Assessment. You must have skill at reading other people and the situation so that you can know what is working and what is failing. Over the long-term, you need a mechanism to apply this to continuously refine your skills.
  • Adaptability. On many levels.
  • Follow-through.

 

Taking Control – Jari Peuhkurinen

It’s almost dawn and you have been out with your friends celebrating. Your friends took a taxi, but you decided to walk because it’s just a short way home. You are walking down a quiet road. It’s kind of dark still, since the sun hasn’t come up yet. During the night you didn’t drink too much, but you can feel that you are little bit intoxicated, but most of all you are tired. You just want to get home to sleep.

You are just about to cross a road to your home, when you see two men hanging out in front of your apartment building. They are not doing anything, just standing there, but obviously checking you out. You feel how your stress hormones start raging through your bloodstream, those little buggers that make your mind and body wake up… you are feeling fear.

Luckily you had been aware of your surroundings and you spotted the possible threat in time and you have a chance to affect what happens and avoid possible encounter by simply not entering a situation. Perhaps you change a direction or grab your phone and make a call. Maybe you go and get help from somewhere or someone.
When you are able to perceive a threat early it gives you time to react and plan. Time gives you a possibility to control your emotions better if you have the tools for it. This because the stimulus that causes fear, in this case observation of those two guys, is still somehow controllable.

On the other hand the stress hormones can be slowly paralyzing and draining your energy down. This can happen when you have the knowledge of future conflict and you know it cannot be avoided and you have to wait for it. The tools to control your thoughts and affect your emotions in these situations are very practical; concentrate your thoughts and energy on observation and planning.

When you exit the scene and get distance to the threat you can feel that stress is decreasing, since you feel you are going to be safe. You are coping through by your decisions and actions and take charge of the situation at an early stage.

Same thing happens during a physical conflict; stress starts to decrease and you can get some of your cognitive functions back the moment you feel that you are in control of the situation.

Let’s take the scenario further…

You have spotted those two suspicious guys standing in front of your home and you’ve decided to head back the way you came from, to get away from them. As you turn around to head back you see a third guy who’s been following you, but you hadn’t noticed him before. Seems they are all part of the same group and working together.

Situation has developed to a point where you cannot avoid by simply exiting the situation. There is nowhere to escape, not at least without some form of action towards the threats. Some form of encounter with them is unavoidable. You can make a conscious choice and start adapting to the situation.

Firstly you need to assess the situation again with this new information. Make a quick threat analysis; map your options and form a plan of action, make the goal clear for yourself. This is a conscious decision not to let your feelings of fear guide your thinking. You are coping with the situation and your actions will be goal oriented.

Threat analysis gives you information to plan your action. Forming a threat analysis is a skill you can practise everyday and it really helps to take charge of your thoughts and emotions.  

With this said it is not always easy to control those thoughts and you may find yourself in situation where your cognitive thinking doesn’t work too well and you seem to be thinking that if I don’t say anything and just ignore them, don’t look them in the eye and just walk away, everything will be fine. “how did I end up here?” what’s going to happen to me?” If I don’t notice them, maybe they don’t notice me” etc. You are denying the reality of the situation.

Denying the situation is our internal defense mechanism. Our internal defense mechanisms can protect our mind, but they also chain our thoughts. Defenses are about denying and distorting the reality around us and adjusting and suppressing our internal reality. It can help to cope with the pressing feeling of fear. When you are submitting yourself into this cycle of denying, you are forcing yourself to just react to everything that happens and that will increase your feeling of fear and you become a victim. All that is left is coping with what has happened after the situation.

It is also possible that fear literally makes you freeze. Makes you incapable to act in anyway. The possibility for this is especially high if the stimulus (the situation) develops without any warning. There is no time for denial. The stress hormones rush to prepare your body to fight or flight so suddenly that you just freeze. Simply you are not coping in anyway. This is no better than previous stage, you become a victim. There are drills to practise braking the freeze, but firstly you need to be able to recognize when you are freezing and that’s not always easy to do under control circumstances.

This was an example of coping in threat of physical conflict, but the same model applies for conflict management in general. Put yourself in a situation where the threat, the factor causing stress, is an upcoming conflict with your boss. You have those same tools at your disposal to cope with the immediate stress; if you have time and tools to avoid, the stress will be decreased. If you cannot avoid, but have time to make a plan of action (how you handle the situation) it will affect the stress levels and your action in a positive way. If, however, you are denying the reality the internal defense mechanisms may kick in and will distort the internal or outside reality to relieve stress. Or you may just freeze, not being able to respond or defend yourself.

It all comes down to two things;

  1. how much you have time to prepare and how you use that time
  2. what tools of coping you have in your disposal.

Both are things that we need to train for and train our students for. If either one of these elements missing and your action and coping will be severely compromised, facing the threat of a physical conflict you need to get your mind working for you, not against you, remaining in control is key.

Is There a Place for Humour In Self Defense? – Chris Roberts

 

Immediately one might think there is no room for humour in self defense.  Self defense is meant to address violence that may result in harm; physically, emotionally, and psychologically.  How can humour be part of that you might ask?  Well, you’d be correct in thinking there is nothing funny or entertaining about violence. However, in order to teach people how to address potential violence, one should consider the methodology. Enlightening people that humour has a part to play may be one of the missing links, in my opinion.  Fear is an often-used strategy to show and motivate people to address violence, but it is not the only strategy.  There are so many variables in any self defense scenario, with so many variables in the personalities of the people we teach.  

While sharing and providing some of the realities of violence to people may create an atmosphere of fear, which can motivate to some extent, I believe that fear has its limits and must be part of the formula, but not be the only strategy.  For me, the use of humour has not only been an integral part of our teaching methodology, but a cornerstone of all SAFE self defense courses.  

I began SAFE International in 1994 and right from the start I utilized humour in my teaching.  Did I do it on purpose, knowing it would be so important and instrumental in reaching our clients?  Not at all, it was more just who I was, how I liked to be taught, and the way I liked to instruct.  Immediately it seemed to work with the teenage girls we were teaching.  There is no tougher crowd in my opinion than young teenage girls, they will tune you out in a second if they become bored!  In fact, many of the girls on our “Talk Day” (an awareness component whereby everyone shares their personal experiences, no hands-on physical techniques) would ask if we had to talk, wanting instead to start hitting someone rather than being stuck in a classroom talking about safety scenarios.  What I found instantly is, through humour, we kept their attention and although they were laughing, we were still discussing some very important topics in regards to their personal safety.  

But even with this approach appearing to be the right one, I still had doubts making the topic fun when teaching about sexual assault, abuse, and violence.  Then one day I received the confirmation I needed.  I was instructing a group of grade 9 girls, who would be about 14-15 years of age, and the teacher asked me if I would mind a woman sitting in to listen, and I happily obliged.  Turned out, she was the director of a sexual assault centre for women in the community.  The talk went as well as I had become accustomed to, and after the session the woman asked me if she could speak to me.  Quite honestly, I was prepared for her to say that my approach was not suitable, in her opinion, for such a serious topic. Well, in fact, it was just the opposite.  She asked if I could come speak to the women at her centre.  I questioned how the humour would go over with them, and she said the use of humour was exactly why she wanted me to speak to them.  I will never forget what she said, which was, “You aren’t making fun of the topic. You are making the topic comfortable to talk about because of the fun atmosphere you create.”   That was about 17 years ago and was all the confirmation I needed to carry forward the methodology we use in teaching.

Sadly, many of the women I have taught over the last 20 years have shared some very horrific stories of violence with me. Without exception however, they have told me they felt comfortable sharing many of those horrific details because they felt at ease in doing so due to the safe environment created, with the main reason being the use of humour.  Now, I do not want people to think that the discussions are all shits and giggles.  Often there are many tears shared, but the humour is what gets us to those special moments.  I like to teach like a roller coaster, moving up and down between seriousness and humour at the proper times.  Sandwiching in the important points between the laughter is very effective.

Another area where humour has proven to be very effective is in getting people to remember what we have taught them.  I believe people are much more likely to remember what they have learned if they are engaged in the conversation in a way that is pleasant and fun.  Yes, again fear can motivate, but which would you rather experience if you could still reach the same goals? I like to try and find a balance using whatever methodology people seem to benefit most from.  

Perhaps one of the most dramatic examples I can share, regarding humour being an effective way to recall information, took place many years ago.   I received a call from a teacher who told me that I had taught her daughter and her daughter’s friend when they were in Grade 9.  They were now out of high school, it was approximately 5 years later.  Both girls were at a mall in Ottawa, Ontario.  It was roughly 3pm and the girls proceeded to their vehicle which was in the mall parking lot.  The daughter of this teacher got into the driver’s side of the car while her friend was getting in the passenger side.  As the friend opened the door, a man appeared out of nowhere seemingly with a knife to her throat, standing behind her.  He demanded she get in the van or he would harm her.  The girl on the driver’s side immediately began honking the car horn and screaming.  The attacker instantly fled the scene and both girls were fortunately okay.  They found out the next day after reporting it to the police that the man had left them and gone to another mall nearby within the hour.  He saw a woman putting her child in the back seat of her car.  He began to force them in the back, threatening the mother with the same knife.  In the meantime, a few men had noticed what was happening and took chase.  The attacker fled when he saw them approaching.  They eventually caught the man and restrained him until the police arrived.  The earlier two young women who also escaped had called the police.  The police interviewed the women separately and got very similar descriptions.   The police informed the women, after they both identified him from pictures, that he had previously spent time in jail for sexual assault and was just recently released.  The police also told them that they had handled the scenario very well.  

Now, the mother/teacher of the one girl who called to share this story with me informed me that when she asked her daughter why she honked the horn and attracted attention, was told she had remembered this tip from my safety talk back when she was in grade 9, five years previous.  Her mother was impressed with this memory retention and asked her daughter how she remembered this in such a scary situation.  Her daughter said all she could think of was how crazy I was when I taught her, and that thankfully, somehow she remembered my advice when she needed it most.  Now, I do not share this with you to try and take any credit for their successful escape.  Many self defense instructors believe they deserve the credit if a student is successful. I don’t, just as I am not prepared to take the blame if something did not work.  I just want to demonstrate the power of humour and how, in even the most adrenaline-driven, frightening scenarios, humour may be what allows a person to remember what they were taught.  Can I explain all the details on the human brain and how we learn and remember with the use of humour? No, I just use it as a tool and as long as I continue to receive feedback validating that it works, I will continue to have it as part of my teaching toolbox.

Keep SAFE!

Chris Roberts

Managing Director

SAFE International

www.safeinternational.biz    

 

Texan Bar Etiquette, Part I – Clint Overland

After 26 years of dealing with drunks, drug addicts, Tusk Hogs (power drinkers who function at a higher level of intoxication and enjoy violence), and almost every other type of human refuse, I want to share with you ten simple things not to do in order to keep you as safe as you can be when confronted with a situation in a bar or night club. Is this a guarantee that you will be safe? No but it damn sure will not hurt.

 

  1. Don’t let your alligator mouth overload your jaybird ass. In other words, your ego will be the main impediment to your safety when dealing with a drunk or violent person in a bar. Smart ass comments are best saved for a time after you are safe and away from the threat. I have heard it said that you should never assume anything about a situation. I am calling bullshit on that. Always assume that this can go from a small ego, dick size contest to a straight out life and death scenario with the wrong thing being said at the wrong time.  Your safety is at stake. Remember that it’s not always what you say that gets your teeth and head knocked in, it’s in the tone and the delivery that people hear more so than words. Being sarcastic has led more people to the joys of broken noses than any other thing I have seen.

 

  1. I’ve overheard drunks time and time again telling each other what they’re going to do when it’s time to get down to business.  DO NOT DO THIS!!! You have just created a group of witnesses for any legal problems that may arise from the situation. If you tell another human being that you’re going to kill, injure, or hurt them in any way, you have just stepped on your own dick or your own tits ladies. It is no longer a self-defense issue, but one of consensual combat and disorderly conduct at the least. One episode I was a witness to involved ass hat 1 threatening to kill ass hat 2 if he ever saw him again. This was in front of 30 people. Ass hat 2 left and waited outside with a gun and later shot ass hat 1 when he went to his car. The police interviewed 12 or 13 of us and the DA didn’t prosecute due to the threat having been made earlier.

      That does not mean that you shouldn’t give warning when you feel that you are in danger, it means don’t brag or boast about what you are going to do.

 

  1.            For fucks sake, don’t tell someone who you are. They don’t care! Don’t warn them about the dangers of dealing with you. If things go south let it be a surprise. I have heard people, mostly men, but sometimes women, tell me, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM.” (My two standard replies are “No, don’t you?” and “Yea, my next victim!”) You are trying to use social pressure, fear, and intimidation as an ego/threat boost. 9 times out of 10 this will get you punched in the mouth quicker than a straight insult. You are trying to show that you are someone special, you are not. What you have done is throw down a challenge and an insult to the other person. “I am better than you and you need to bow down to that fact and accept your place as beneath me on the social hierarchy. “  That, my friend, is a great way to learn the joy of shitting your teeth out the next morning.

               

One other thing, don’t go around telling people who your daddy or husband is unless they are capable of backing up your statements. One of my pet peeves as a bouncer is when individuals throw that kind of statement into my face. If your father, husband, grandpa or whatever, is a real heavy hitter then you won’t need to let others know about it. It will be shared for you without you making a fool of yourself.

 

  1.            Don’t draw attention to yourself. Go in, have a good time, don’t be an idiot. Shouting, whistling, and raising hell are a great way to draw attention to yourself, not only from the bouncers/security staff, but also of the Great White sharks swimming in the waters with you. Despite what you believe (and most of that is wrong by the way), there are those that are looking forward to hurting you. Acting up and drawing attention to yourself is a great way to chum the waters. I watched one man take a beer bottle across his eye (he lost it) because he wouldn’t stop yelling at the band. The man in front of him finally had enough of it, turned around and smashed a bottle into his face, rupturing his eye. It happened without warning, but the signs were all there if you were aware enough to read them. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to have a good time and enjoy life without being the center of attention for others to enjoy.

 

  1. I really would like to talk to you ladies who are reading this. You are ultimately responsible for your own safety. Just because you live a certain way during the day, do not mistake that the same rules apply to a bar or nightclub. You are swimming with sharks every time you go out for a good time. There is a certain segment of society that only looks at you as if you are prey and they do not care about you or your so called rights as a person. 

 

I have been amazed over and over again at the way some women choose to act. Yes you can dress any way you want to, yes you can choose to act like a drunken idiot for however many times you can get away with it.  I am not going to argue that point but when you have to reap the rewards of your actions do not bitch about it. And no I am not talking about rape. I am talking about you getting your ass handed to you for crossing the line with another woman a lot meaner and tougher than you are. I watched a middle class woman think it would be great to give a guy she didn’t know a lap dance right in front of his wife. The wife worked as a lineman for a power company climbing electric poles all day every day doing hard labor. The wannabe dancer was a clerk in a retail jewelry store who had never been in a real fight her entire life. By the time I and the rest of the staff got there, roughly 5 seconds, dancer girl had her teeth knocked out, eye socket broke and a coffee mug diameter size chunk of hair and scalp pulled out. You think 5 seconds is not a long time try being on the receiving end of an educational beat down.

 

Your actions will lead to certain results, maybe not the 1st time or the 100th time but there will be a cost. In addition, please stop acting like a stripper, save that for the bedroom or go get a job working the pole somewhere. I’m sorry if you need to find attention from a large group of people and think that is the way to do it. All you are doing is making a fool of yourself and like lesson number 4 you are drawing that attention from possibly the wrong crowd. Trust me, if we wanted to see that we would be at a strip club watching real strippers! It also cuts down on the attention that the real creepy guys want to pay you.  Also stop being a drunken cunt please. You’re at the bar as a customer and yes they are trying to bring you what you ordered. You being a snotty demanding bitch not only pisses off you server (notice I did not say servant or slave) but will go nothing but worse service or your drink being stirred with a dick, or finger that’s been up someone’s asshole.

 Part II 

TAKING A STAB AT VIOLENCE! – Tim Boehlert

Violence. It’s all around us. Everyday. Everywhere we look. You may not see it, nor hear it, nor even experience it. But it’s there. In fact, we will never know of every instance, nor ever be able to stop it all. So, I ask, what will YOU do? Will you pretend it’s NOT your problem, or pretend it doesn’t exist. That’s alright, and it may be the norm. It likely is the norm. You can walk away, or walk by it, but you won’t be able to do that forever either.

I too turned a blind eye to it for a long time. It’s not that I chose to do nothing, or ignore it, I just wasn’t aware of what IT is. Simply put, I had no idea what it looked like – at least on so many other levels that I was never subjected to – up close and personal.

Violence is woven into the thread of our lives. Most of us are lucky enough to not have to deal with some of it, for long, long periods. Some of us may only have to deal with small parts of it, and then only now and again. Some of us choose to welcome it into our lives, via our lifestyle. Some of us choose to invite it in to better understand it. It’s strange to me that violence has so many faces that I have either been unaware of, OR, not been exposed to. Being white, middle-class, I’ve been buffered for much of my life.

Who’d have thought that you could go into a bookstore and BUY a book about violence? Who’d have thought that not only that would be possible, but that it would have it’s own ‘section?’ Who would even KNOW enough about it to WRITE about it? Who’d have thought that any one man could not only write several books about it, but earn a living teaching others about it – through seminars, on-line blogging, e-books and in dojo training. Or several men? Or all over the world?

Yes, violence IS that big. It’s a money-maker now. In the same breath, it’s also a treasure trove of great information, and maybe NOT so great information. I guess it all depends on how familiar you are with the subject matter. Of course it’s also susceptible to the same problems that many subjects are subject to – opinions.

There’s some great information in the marketplace, and there’s also some very poor information out there. The problem here is HOW do you determine what’s good, and what’s not? I think that like many other subjects, context is important. Familiarity with the subject can be key, but how do you find the RIGHT answers? And again, it’s dependent on context. There are no right answers, because context is always changing, evolving. There are NO RIGHT ANSWERS. Maybe, maybe not. It’s debatable, like everything that involves opinions. Simply that.

Violence is something that I now pursue. For a living. As a course of what my job requires. To quote a very good source, “The only way to deal with violence, is to be better at it than THEY are.” Wow! That quote changed my life. Unfortunately, those that NEED to hear this, and to understand it, don’t and can’t – they don’t do what we do. Asking someone to watch you while you do your job makes them uncomfortable. And since you can’t schedule when someone chooses to use violence, you can’t ask them to watch, and maybe either comment or critique what just happened. One thing about it is that THEY will probably think you are LOOKING for violent outcomes. Yeah, it’s like that. They don’t understand, so they won’t understand. Simple. If they do happen to ‘see’ it, likely on a video (sans audio, as is most often the case), they can play monday-morning quarterback to affect their analysis, and justifications. They weren’t there, so they’ll never really know: what, why, how.

To experience physical violence, you usually have to be involved. You HAVE to be there. To understand it is a whole different thing. There are many factors and facets to a violent act. There are underlying issues, underlying emotions, and unknowns – those things that makes us who we are. Violence can never really been quantified or quantized. It’s a fluid thing, with no outline, no boundaries, and maybe no real beginning – or ending. It’s a slice of life. Complex doesn’t even cover it.

Violence does do one thing well – it sends a message. It conveys meaning, it defines an action, it makes progress happen – for one side or the other, or maybe even both. I’ve spent five years studying to deal with it. Scared? Yes. Indecisive? Yes. Reluctant? Yes. Willing to go there? Again, yes. Someone HAS to go there. It’s our way of being a stop-gap for those that would use this tool for their benefit, to your detriment. I’m an unlikely candidate to be here, now, but if I don’t, who will? And will they do it the way I’d do it? Not likely. Too many go there for the wrong reasons. It’s NOT about being a bigger man, but it is about being a better man. To stand up for what’s right, and to stand for those that can’t or won’t stand on their own. Because, they don’t feel they can, or should perhaps.

Too many ‘people’ use violence as a tool against us or those that we love, care for, care about, or are responsible for. That’s not to say it’s always on purpose, or willingly with bad intent. It’s a tool – and can be misused, used for the wrong purpose or for the right purpose, but wrong circumstance I suppose. Many know what they’re doing, many don’t, or may have underlying issues that change their perspective. Drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, emotional distress.

Violence as a tool – what a concept. It was hard for me to wrap my head around this one! But it now makes ‘perfect sense.’ Odd how five years of constant reading, viewing, and discussing this subject has changed my outlook, my mindset, and my humanity. I’m often sad about it, but also proud that I now possess some of the things I need to deal with violence. I have many sources that ALL have contributed in many special ways to getting me ‘here.’

Martial Arts has provided me with new insights and a different perspective on violence. I first tried MA when I was in my early teen years. Karate was what was available, so Karate it was. I got my White Belt, and that seemed like a lot of work to get there! The stretching required alone about broke me! What finalized my first brush with MA was not the work necessary, but the ability to get to it. Suffice to say that I and MA parted ways, too early for me. It was not until late in life that I re-discovered MA – this time with a purpose. I now had what I felt was a real need. In fact, it was a requirement as far as I was concerned, no two ways about it.

Five years in and I don’t consider myself a Martial Artist – I’m a believer in positive MA, and try to avoid all of the negative associated with it, and sadly there’s way too much negativity flowing through the arts – mostly due to ego, in my opinion. I’m not sure what I’d consider myself – I do practice, but not enough in a dojo, and certainly not with a partner most of the time. I do spend a lot of my income on educational materials – books, DVD’s, seminars however. I’m also of the belief that you CAN do some of it, even without practice, as I have clearly proven to myself. I don’t need to prove it to anyone else, despite their claims to the other viewpoint. I have experienced MUSHIN, once specifically that I can clearly recall, and likely many other times when I was too busy trying to effect a positive outcome to a violent outburst.

What I do consider myself is a voice to promote the positive in a new era of MA awareness. I specifically refer to my co-writing and experiences with my Sensei, Avi Nardia and my good friend, Hanshi Patrick McCarthy. The short story is this: in 2008, I took on a job that I had no idea about – well, not a very good understanding of, shall we agree on that? At that time I enrolled in a MA Dojo, Karate again, as that is what I ‘knew’, or thought of at that time, and with what I thought would be a good solution to an immediate problem. It wasn’t the right solution, but it did give me some grounding, and a lot of self-confidence – something I was lacking in, and won’t likely always fully acquire.

Before obtaining my Purple Belt, I’d determined that the training wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t know what I needed, but I knew this wasn’t it. That’s not to knock the style at all, as I did take away some very important pieces to MY puzzle. It’s just that I didn’t feel this was going to get me to where I needed, and specifically FAST enough! In doing some background searching, and after learning one joint lock combination, THEN I started to look for THAT! That piece fit my understanding of what I thought I needed – it made sense, and seemed to fit my needs. In doing Kata, which I love for the traditional aspects as well as the reasoning behind doing so, I was lost – the steps weren’t clear as to WHY they were performed. What was I doing making a series of moves, in a rough circle – who was the opponent, and HOW was he moving? I think if that had been explained UP FRONT, better, it would have made more sense, but that’s how I interpreted it. Motion without understanding, pointless to me at that point.

I checked out another school, and was determined NOT to start out from scratch again – I was determined NOT to be a cash cow for another school, simply so that they could make more money, and not really care about where I had been or gotten to. It seemed like I was just another income stream, with little to no interest in what I felt I needed even being considered. You were expected to follow THEIR program because that’s how THEY did it. Period. I call Bull Shido! McDojo reality, again.

I decided to try the DVD route – buy into some training materials that I found on the internet. I bought a ‘complete’ system that seemed to display MORE elements of what I thought fit my needs. Through that ‘set’, I found my Sensei, so it was worth the investment. Kapap is HIS art, and now my art of choice. Through Sensei Avi, and his circle of influence and friends, I have come to appreciate what MA can offer to a ‘student’ – positive growth, family values, compassion for other cultures – things I find lacking in what I know of some of the MA arena. Ego seems to rule the day, and with the rise of MMA, which I found brutal when I was first introduced to it, now has a different feeling. As does violence – I don’t view it the same, but I do view it as an opportunity. Kapap has introduced me to many new things, but mostly new ways to view my world, with an opportunity that many miss – to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.