Violence. It’s all around us. Everyday. Everywhere we look. You may not see it, nor hear it, nor even experience it. But it’s there. In fact, we will never know of every instance, nor ever be able to stop it all. So, I ask, what will YOU do? Will you pretend it’s NOT your problem, or pretend it doesn’t exist. That’s alright, and it may be the norm. It likely is the norm. You can walk away, or walk by it, but you won’t be able to do that forever either.
I too turned a blind eye to it for a long time. It’s not that I chose to do nothing, or ignore it, I just wasn’t aware of what IT is. Simply put, I had no idea what it looked like – at least on so many other levels that I was never subjected to – up close and personal.
Violence is woven into the thread of our lives. Most of us are lucky enough to not have to deal with some of it, for long, long periods. Some of us may only have to deal with small parts of it, and then only now and again. Some of us choose to welcome it into our lives, via our lifestyle. Some of us choose to invite it in to better understand it. It’s strange to me that violence has so many faces that I have either been unaware of, OR, not been exposed to. Being white, middle-class, I’ve been buffered for much of my life.
Who’d have thought that you could go into a bookstore and BUY a book about violence? Who’d have thought that not only that would be possible, but that it would have it’s own ‘section?’ Who would even KNOW enough about it to WRITE about it? Who’d have thought that any one man could not only write several books about it, but earn a living teaching others about it – through seminars, on-line blogging, e-books and in dojo training. Or several men? Or all over the world?
Yes, violence IS that big. It’s a money-maker now. In the same breath, it’s also a treasure trove of great information, and maybe NOT so great information. I guess it all depends on how familiar you are with the subject matter. Of course it’s also susceptible to the same problems that many subjects are subject to – opinions.
There’s some great information in the marketplace, and there’s also some very poor information out there. The problem here is HOW do you determine what’s good, and what’s not? I think that like many other subjects, context is important. Familiarity with the subject can be key, but how do you find the RIGHT answers? And again, it’s dependent on context. There are no right answers, because context is always changing, evolving. There are NO RIGHT ANSWERS. Maybe, maybe not. It’s debatable, like everything that involves opinions. Simply that.
Violence is something that I now pursue. For a living. As a course of what my job requires. To quote a very good source, “The only way to deal with violence, is to be better at it than THEY are.” Wow! That quote changed my life. Unfortunately, those that NEED to hear this, and to understand it, don’t and can’t – they don’t do what we do. Asking someone to watch you while you do your job makes them uncomfortable. And since you can’t schedule when someone chooses to use violence, you can’t ask them to watch, and maybe either comment or critique what just happened. One thing about it is that THEY will probably think you are LOOKING for violent outcomes. Yeah, it’s like that. They don’t understand, so they won’t understand. Simple. If they do happen to ‘see’ it, likely on a video (sans audio, as is most often the case), they can play monday-morning quarterback to affect their analysis, and justifications. They weren’t there, so they’ll never really know: what, why, how.
To experience physical violence, you usually have to be involved. You HAVE to be there. To understand it is a whole different thing. There are many factors and facets to a violent act. There are underlying issues, underlying emotions, and unknowns – those things that makes us who we are. Violence can never really been quantified or quantized. It’s a fluid thing, with no outline, no boundaries, and maybe no real beginning – or ending. It’s a slice of life. Complex doesn’t even cover it.
Violence does do one thing well – it sends a message. It conveys meaning, it defines an action, it makes progress happen – for one side or the other, or maybe even both. I’ve spent five years studying to deal with it. Scared? Yes. Indecisive? Yes. Reluctant? Yes. Willing to go there? Again, yes. Someone HAS to go there. It’s our way of being a stop-gap for those that would use this tool for their benefit, to your detriment. I’m an unlikely candidate to be here, now, but if I don’t, who will? And will they do it the way I’d do it? Not likely. Too many go there for the wrong reasons. It’s NOT about being a bigger man, but it is about being a better man. To stand up for what’s right, and to stand for those that can’t or won’t stand on their own. Because, they don’t feel they can, or should perhaps.
Too many ‘people’ use violence as a tool against us or those that we love, care for, care about, or are responsible for. That’s not to say it’s always on purpose, or willingly with bad intent. It’s a tool – and can be misused, used for the wrong purpose or for the right purpose, but wrong circumstance I suppose. Many know what they’re doing, many don’t, or may have underlying issues that change their perspective. Drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, emotional distress.
Violence as a tool – what a concept. It was hard for me to wrap my head around this one! But it now makes ‘perfect sense.’ Odd how five years of constant reading, viewing, and discussing this subject has changed my outlook, my mindset, and my humanity. I’m often sad about it, but also proud that I now possess some of the things I need to deal with violence. I have many sources that ALL have contributed in many special ways to getting me ‘here.’
Martial Arts has provided me with new insights and a different perspective on violence. I first tried MA when I was in my early teen years. Karate was what was available, so Karate it was. I got my White Belt, and that seemed like a lot of work to get there! The stretching required alone about broke me! What finalized my first brush with MA was not the work necessary, but the ability to get to it. Suffice to say that I and MA parted ways, too early for me. It was not until late in life that I re-discovered MA – this time with a purpose. I now had what I felt was a real need. In fact, it was a requirement as far as I was concerned, no two ways about it.
Five years in and I don’t consider myself a Martial Artist – I’m a believer in positive MA, and try to avoid all of the negative associated with it, and sadly there’s way too much negativity flowing through the arts – mostly due to ego, in my opinion. I’m not sure what I’d consider myself – I do practice, but not enough in a dojo, and certainly not with a partner most of the time. I do spend a lot of my income on educational materials – books, DVD’s, seminars however. I’m also of the belief that you CAN do some of it, even without practice, as I have clearly proven to myself. I don’t need to prove it to anyone else, despite their claims to the other viewpoint. I have experienced MUSHIN, once specifically that I can clearly recall, and likely many other times when I was too busy trying to effect a positive outcome to a violent outburst.
What I do consider myself is a voice to promote the positive in a new era of MA awareness. I specifically refer to my co-writing and experiences with my Sensei, Avi Nardia and my good friend, Hanshi Patrick McCarthy. The short story is this: in 2008, I took on a job that I had no idea about – well, not a very good understanding of, shall we agree on that? At that time I enrolled in a MA Dojo, Karate again, as that is what I ‘knew’, or thought of at that time, and with what I thought would be a good solution to an immediate problem. It wasn’t the right solution, but it did give me some grounding, and a lot of self-confidence – something I was lacking in, and won’t likely always fully acquire.
Before obtaining my Purple Belt, I’d determined that the training wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t know what I needed, but I knew this wasn’t it. That’s not to knock the style at all, as I did take away some very important pieces to MY puzzle. It’s just that I didn’t feel this was going to get me to where I needed, and specifically FAST enough! In doing some background searching, and after learning one joint lock combination, THEN I started to look for THAT! That piece fit my understanding of what I thought I needed – it made sense, and seemed to fit my needs. In doing Kata, which I love for the traditional aspects as well as the reasoning behind doing so, I was lost – the steps weren’t clear as to WHY they were performed. What was I doing making a series of moves, in a rough circle – who was the opponent, and HOW was he moving? I think if that had been explained UP FRONT, better, it would have made more sense, but that’s how I interpreted it. Motion without understanding, pointless to me at that point.
I checked out another school, and was determined NOT to start out from scratch again – I was determined NOT to be a cash cow for another school, simply so that they could make more money, and not really care about where I had been or gotten to. It seemed like I was just another income stream, with little to no interest in what I felt I needed even being considered. You were expected to follow THEIR program because that’s how THEY did it. Period. I call Bull Shido! McDojo reality, again.
I decided to try the DVD route – buy into some training materials that I found on the internet. I bought a ‘complete’ system that seemed to display MORE elements of what I thought fit my needs. Through that ‘set’, I found my Sensei, so it was worth the investment. Kapap is HIS art, and now my art of choice. Through Sensei Avi, and his circle of influence and friends, I have come to appreciate what MA can offer to a ‘student’ – positive growth, family values, compassion for other cultures – things I find lacking in what I know of some of the MA arena. Ego seems to rule the day, and with the rise of MMA, which I found brutal when I was first introduced to it, now has a different feeling. As does violence – I don’t view it the same, but I do view it as an opportunity. Kapap has introduced me to many new things, but mostly new ways to view my world, with an opportunity that many miss – to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
Month: September 2015
Who Are You? – Garry Smith
No, it is not a rhetorical question. Who actually are you? Do you actually know who you are?
Are you a conflicted individual who does not know their I from their me? And that’s before we start on The Who, geddit? So those of you who have read any of my blogs know I like a bit of a musical reference and 1978 produced the above classic. I was 19 in ’78 and really liked this track before punk led me astray. You see music is, for most of us pretty central to our identity. The explosion of youth culture in the 1950’s and 60’s changed the western world. Youth cultures were spawned and youth cultures clashed with Teds and Rockers fighting the Mods and the Skins with poor naive plod caught hopping around on his poor old size elevens at the seaside.
Well I for one experimented with all kinds of music, and the accompanying intoxicants and crap fashons, and still have diverse tastes but I think the old Two Tone stuff is my all time favourite, it’s a working class football orientated skinhead thing. Alas time and tide wait for no man and whilst I can reminisce with the best I see a very different chap when I look in the mirror these days. Somehow, somewhere along the journey of my life to date I lost the youthful me, I also lost all those certainties I once held dear, I lost those aliegences to football teams and political parties that I once held dear. Gone, long gone, are many once good friends, the steamroller of life keeps moving on crushing the past that is left in its wake. I cannot complain, I have a wonderful family, healthy and happy and growing as grandchildren appear in our lives and lately a cute new puppy dog.
As the saying goes the only constant is change. Life is good. I am happy. But is the me? And there is the rub. The i and the me are both part of who I am so when anyone asks me ‘who are you’ I get confused, because I am conflicted. There I said it, I am out and openly a conflicted person. The thing is we all are, it is natural. Here is why in a nutshell. We are born unfinished, unlike other creatures we need a great deal of looking after as babies, we are pretty useless.
BUT we are fast learners, as soon as our little eyes can focus we are watching, watching, recording, learning and ready to copy as soon as our limbs can support us. Socialisation is the lengthy process of becoming human and we learn many complex skills as the brain grows exponentially through the early months in particular. We imbibe our culture, language and learn to move, to walk to speak and to make decisions. Our little selves learn through imitation and experimentation and through the two most effective of learning processes, operrant conditioning and play. We soak up knowledge and skills like little sponges and we experiment like mad. Importantly we learn to distinguish between the ‘I’ and the ‘ME’ as we get to develop our self……
Hold on, lets just watch this great clip for a few minutes. Rory Miller and I just delivered the first CRGI Instructor Development Course in Sheffield, there was a great emphasis on how we learn and how we train and how, very often these two are mismatched to the detriment of all. So lets just apply the three stages, preparatory, play and game, to our training, be it martial arts, self defence, survival or fitness, it does not matter. The stages identified by Mead, in my opinion should guide how we organise our training, as students and as instructors and here is the rub, this is not a one off process but rather a never ending cycle as we advance through life.
Lets face it the process of socialisation is ongoing throughout life as we try out and learn new roles, I had no formal training for the role of grandad, but I had grandads, my own dad was a grandad as were lots of other people I knew. I learned from these significant others, some more significant than others, and adopted what I thought were the best ways to play grandad. I absorbed these into the introspective ‘I ‘ and I express them as the extroverted ‘me’. That is my take on how I became a grandad, there were loads of other factors too of course but lets keep it simple. So how did I/you become a martial artist (insert other role here…………….)? I bet if you cast your mind back you will recognise many of the stages you went through.
So if you, can see your development from baby martial artist and recognise the three stages does that help you picture how you train now, how you became your martial arts self? The thing is as in martial arts as in life sometimes an individuals development is affected by whether or not they are allowed to play, to copy, to experiment as well as by whether or not they are allowed to develop as team members and not just subordinates. The worst kind of training is run by the authoritarian ‘Master’ who forbids their students from training with anyone who will contaminate their ‘one true way’, anybody recognise this?
Whilst the best kind positively encourages experimentation and lets their students play, regardless of age to find ‘their’ best way, the students not the instructors, of doing things. Whatever facilitated your development, and never underestimate the role of significant others, how has this affected how you facilitate the training for others? If you can recognise the need to prepare, to experiment and then to find ones place in a group and you can provide a safe and secure environment in which this most natural of learning processes flourishes, then in my opinion, you are doing your job well. Student centred learning inevitable moves the centre of attention to the individual and away from the system. The system is not necessarily impoverished by this shift of emphasis but enriched if we allow students to develop as holistically as possible.
Entering into training inevitably means exposure to new roles and new ideas, it is what people seek as they develop their wider sense of self. They will become changed individuals to different degrees after exposure to your training whatever it is they learn. The very identity they possess on entry will be altered never again to become what it was before and that is a awesome responsibility. In order to empower our students it is the responsibility of the instructors to keep on pushing the boundaries of our knowledge in order to continually improve ourselves. That is the open world we humans inhabit, as opposed to the closed world of all other animals. But that is another article. For now let us remember the importance of play and the development of games as tools for learning, go back to your dojo and, well, learn to play.
The 12 Universal Elements of Conflict Management – Erik Kondo
“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor” – English Proverb
It is likely that there will come a time when a skilled sailor is a thing of the past. Civilization will have developed to a point where the weather can be and will be controlled. There will be no storms, only calm seas. At such a time, there will be no need for skilled sailors.
There also may come a time when human conflict has been eradicated. No longer will there be disputes that arise from our human nature relating to safety, security, relationships, ideology, religion, culture, finance, politics, territorialism, anti-social personalities, biological drives, and more. The human desire to engage in conflict will be controlled in the same manner that the weather is controlled. Controlled for the common good. There will be no rape, murder, and mayhem. Humans will have domesticated themselves in the same manner that we have the created hairless dogs and giant pumpkins.
Gone too will be our individuality, diversity, and ability to determine our destiny. Just as there is no life without death, without the option of choosing Evil, we will not be able to choose Good. We will do as we have been predetermined to do.
But in the meantime…
We need to recognize that conflict is universal whether it relates to the violence of cosmic creation and destruction or to everyday interpersonal human conflict and confrontation. Those that have the ability to effectively manage conflict thrive. Those that don’t have these skills are relying on smooth seas to get by. Their demise is just a storm away.
Effective Conflict Management involves utilizing the 12 Universal Elements of Conflict Management:
- Respect (Tolerance, Empathy, Consideration)
- Clear Communication (Minimal misunderstandings, Directness)
- Appropriate Enforcement (Just-Right for the situation)
- Truth (Actuality, Reality)
- Knowledge (Deep understanding)
- Dynamic Problem Solving (Critical Thinking, Neo-cortex utilized, Situation specific analysis)
- Evolution (Constantly evolving and changing, Double Loop Learning)
- Continuum of Responses (Spectrum, Scaling, Progressive/escalating use of force)
- Control of Emotions (Limbic system controlled)
- Trade-offs (Cost/Benefit analysis, Give/take, Negotiation, Compromise, Cooperation)
- Open-minded (Responsive to feedback, Open to differing viewpoints)
- Accountability (Responsibility, Agency, Acceptance)
On the other hand, ineffective Conflict Management involves engaging in these Universal Elements of Conflict Mis-management:
- Dis-respect (Intolerance, Prejudice, Othering, Labeling, Name-calling)
- Ineffective Communication (Mis-understandings, Indirectness, Assumptions)
- Inappropriate Enforcement (Under-Enforcement, Over-Enforcement)
- Untruths (Inaccurate facts, Wrong data, Mis-leading statistics)
- Lack of Understanding (Ignorance, Misconceptions)
- Static Answers (Predetermined responses, Generalizations)
- Unchanging (Resistance to change and new ideas, Ideology)
- Singular Response (One Size Fits All, Non-scaling)
- Controlled by Emotions (Emotional Thinking, Limbic system in control,
- Fearfulness, Anger, Envy)
- One-sided (Blaming, Accusations, Unyielding, Non-negotiable position,
- Uncompromising, Competing)
- Closed-minded (Non-responsive to feedback, Non-receptive to differing
- viewpoints)
- Non-accountability (Denial of responsibility, Non-agency, Avoidance)
Effective Conflict Management is measured not only by the result. A great Conflict Manager may still achieve an unwanted result just as a great athlete or team may still lose an athletic contest. Conversely, an ineffective Conflict Manager may achieve a desired outcome in the same way that “a broken clock is correct twice a day”.
Over a period of time, consistently using the 12 Universal Elements of Conflict Management when involved in interpersonal conflict will lead to more desirable results. Many times, effective Conflict Managers resolve the situation before it becomes an actual conflict. Therefore, their skills can easily go unnoticed and unappreciated.
On the other hand, once you are aware of the Elements of Mis-management, Conflict Mis-managers are easy to spot. In their effort to manipulate the world to their benefit, they employ the Elements on a massive scale. The next time you read a blog or article advocating for social change, check to see which type of person you are dealing with.
Smart Phone, Stupid Owner – Toby Cowern
I suffer, as many do, of falling into the trap of ’wandering’ around the internet, loosing valuable time in the process, looking at the latest trends, themes and current topics of discussion in various forums and social media sites. Given the marketing tools used and current social trends, it’s no big surprise many people spend their time in this way. I got to thinking more and more of late though, about the content being presented to me and its impact on individual behaviour and, to an extent, society at large.
An image I saw, first probably over two years ago now, keeps coming back to mind.
The picture resonates with many people, and while it may illicit a chuckle, I also want to explore the more concerning side of this trend. No doubt we are all familiar with the volume and virality of the ‘close call’ or ‘witness/bystander’ videos such as here, here and most recently here (The last one is graphic) Volumes could be written on the reasoning and motivation for this behaviour and for that reason I won’t explore the causes here but do want to look at the consequences and effects of this ‘new normal’.
Pope Inauguration. The difference in 8 Years.
Given the footage available for public viewing it seems to me the ‘wiring’ for capturing images runs pretty deep, to the extent I propose we are now seeing a fourth addition to the stress response. Meaning we now have Flight, Fight, Freeze, Film as a predictable behaviour. Along with this, it seems many will inadvertently or intentional put themselves at greater risk for the sake of recording events they see. So what does this mean in regards to conflict?
Trend 1 – There is far higher and exponentially increasing chance that any altercations you are involved in will be captured in both video AND audio. So not only your actions, but your words are recorded and have the possibility of being brought forth as evidence.
Impact – If you haven’t trained in articulation and witness coaching previously, you should be prioritizing it more now. The weight of evidence that potentially can be bought against you is massively increasing.
Trend 2 – Social media in various forms is here to stay for a significant period, and will increase in functionality and accessibility.
Impact – As well as facing criminal and civil charges for any incident you may be involved in, there is now the ‘public’ court to face. This court is brutal, unregulated and can be deeply impacting. The NY Times wrote an exceptional piece on this issue here
Trend 3 – The evidence suggests that many bystanders will now prioritize recording an event ahead of intervening, assisting, or even calling for help. (To make an emergency call would mean to stop recording… Let that sink in for a minute)
Impact – The impact of this is broad and far reaching, but to surmise, you have never been more ‘on your own’ to manage conflict situations while simultaneously subject to mass scrutiny than now.
Trend 4 – The quest to produce a ‘viral’ video is compelling and highly sought after. This results in a number of disturbing social trends, from the ‘knock out’ game, to the meant to be funny but deeply insidious ‘pranking’ and a variety of other trends in between.
Impact – Recording of (random) violent incidents is established and will likely become even more popular, and necessarily more gruesome, in order to capture the viewers attention (The phrase ‘If it bleeds, it leads’ has been with us since 1989. That’s over 25 years of direct media prioritization) The odds of being subject to a random or unprovoked attack are increasing, in addition to the likelihood of any incidents you become involved in being captured by multiple witnesses (read, multiple angles).
There is a great many more observation in this ‘new normal’, but for the sake of brevity I will not go further in this article. It has not been my intention to ‘solve’ the problems identified here, merely, at this stage, to raise awareness. But it begs the question, how will you train to tackle these trends?